LoveandKnuckles

Christina Aguilera's Messy Funeral Performance

2012-01-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

You might remember my earlier post on my desired funeral plans.

I was reflecting on them as I read this morning about Christina Aguilera performing Etta James' classic "At Last" at her own funeral this weekend. Would you do me a favor and review the video of her performance so we can discuss?

Some of my thoughts/observations:

1. Why is she talking while music plays in the background? Chatting while someone tickles piano keys behind you is the work of a lounge singer, not someone giving a final sendoff.

2. She chops up the song to make it her own. Was she aware this was not an American Idol audition?

3. Who tries to out-sing the actual singer at her own funeral?

4. Her spray-tanned boobs almost hit the floor.

5. The dangling diamond crucifix in her low hanging jugs was equally off putting. Don't bring Jesus into this mess.

I would also like some intel on the liquid that was falling down her leg and apparently down her arms. Please tell me that is not urine.

"Exhaustion" Rehab

2012-01-27T12:03:00.000-08:00

Demi Moore is the latest celebrity to cite "exhaustion" for her recent trip to the hospital. Her publicist says she is now seeking professional help "to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health."

Exhaustion. You know, like someone who is staying up all night taking care of a newborn baby. Or exhaustion that comes with working three jobs to avoid foreclosure. Exhaustion that leaves you unable to maintain a conversation without snoring mid sentence. Exhaustion that can only be cured with a short stay at a rehabilitation center surrounded by drug addicts and alcoholics. Because the 12-step program is probably incredibly helpful for a mother with a colicky baby.

While the true nature of her recent breakdown is not completely known, there are reports that her 911 call to paramedics will be released and might give us more answers. What we do know is she was taking Adderall and was doing whipits, which are steel cylinders filled with nitrous oxide, or "NOX," which is often used in dentists' offices before novocaine injections or dental procedures. So basically she was getting high off of whipped cream cans. (I would have thought her movie paychecks could afford more. At least a can of Aqua Net). Adderall, by the way, is a stimulant used to treat attention-deficit disorder. One of the side effects is that it is an appetite suppressant. And all this time I was thinking she was so skinny because she does juice fasts and does yoga twice a month.

You know who is exhausted? Me.

When I was up at 1:30 last night using a breast pump and taking antibiotics for my mastitis I should have woken my husband and suggested he get Promises on the horn. If Lindsay Lohan and Whitney Houston can get a short stay at a rehab facility for exhaustion surely I can get one too. Sounds heavenly, doesn’t it? Maybe get a short nap in, blow dry my hair for the first time in months. Maybe I can catch up on the news or actually go to the bathroom without a two year old staring back at me.

Done. Maybe I will see you there? After our naps we can do some karaoke.

Politics and Tacos

2012-01-26T14:25:00.000-08:00

85 years ago when I was still in college I took a part time job as a hostess, waitress and bartender at a taco shack on Capitol Hill called Tortilla Coast. Nestled behind Senate office buildings and a metro stop sits this restaurant mostly frequented by Hill staffers looking for a mini vacation from their underpaid and under valued positions serving our nation's leaders. It is the Regal Beagle, if you will, for uptight and over dressed people looking to "make a difference". Staples of this establishment still include frozen swirl margaritas, flautas, quesadillas, and queso dip.

If you wanted to escape from your Congressman's office you would want to head down to The Coast to indulge in one of my various shot drink specialties. Problem was I didn't have much interest in learning how to serve anything other than a beer or something pre-made in a margarita machine. So your lemon drop or Sex and the Beach shooter really just consisted of basically vodka and cranberry juice. I also wasn't much of a waitress. I had a great memory (never had to write down anyone's order), but I couldn't hide my obvious distaste for anyone looking to belittle me for slinging guacamole while they pushed envelopes for someone who was probably sleeping around on his wife or defrauding America.

Another low point to the job, as my friend Ann pointed out, was the persistent acne and skin scars that comes with carrying oversized trays with sizzling fajita juice. My uniform? Picture a chubby girl with ill-fitting khaki shorts, a red polo with various holes, and pleather Tretorn sneakers I was consistently asked to paint with a white shoe shine brush.

It is hard to convince me that waiting tables doesn't teach you how to treat another human being. Because once you have spent any time fetching food for other people you have a hard time ever treating another waiter with an unkind word or gesture. Do you know how hard it is not to run down the street and slap across the face the person that gave you $5.00 on a $100.00 bill? Especially after you factor in how you still have to tip out your food runner, bartender, and the bus boy. As if you enjoy serving enchiladas to someone who won't look you in the face and then looks over the bill five times as if you are trying to slip in extra charge of sour cream without them noticing.

There were some high points. I look back fondly at the relay races during pre-shift staff meetings or how my friend Ray and I would create 80s dance routines. I can't say enough about the hysterical people I worked along, with the exception of one former manager who had a lazy eye and didn't seem to own an iron.

But all things come to my end. My time at The Coast came to a close when I was busted for giving a free pitcher of strawberry margaritas ($14.50) to the bartenders of another Capitol Hill establishment while working the bar shift on a particularly slow Saturday afternoon. The manager told me I had no integrity as he stood before me wearing one of those plastic ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bracelets. You know how they say there is a lesson to be learned in everything? Now every time I think about frozen margarita machines I think about how I let down Jesus.

Dear Kate: A Question from Angelina Jolie

2012-01-25T13:20:00.000-08:00

Turns out someone other than my sister needs my advice. Please enjoy my ongoing column where I provide insight to celebrities. This week's question is from Angelina Jolie.

Dear Kate,

Brad says I need to do more stuff with "the girls." While I reminded him that I have had plenty of girlfriends in the past, he apparently means someone with whom I do not make out. So I have taken the liberty of asking one of my seven nannies if she would like to hang out this weekend. I think she was a little afraid at first (she turned to the others and mouthed the words "help me"), but now I think she is looking forward to it. I need your help. What do I do on a girl's night out?

Thanks,

Angie

Dear Angie,

I am happy to help. Women friends are important, especially when confronted with issues concerning ovaries, hormones, and whether or not they will make another Sex and the City sequel. You can’t exactly ask a dude where he stands on maxi pads vs. tampons. So bravo to you for branching out of your comfort zone! A couple things to note as you begin to participate in these outings:

1. Most women don't collect antique daggers. So challenging her to a knife-throwing contest might be a little off putting.

2. I would avoid bringing up overly depressing subjects such as female genital mutilation in third world countries. It is a hard subject to cover over a round of apple martinis.

3. Avoid any potential situation where you might meet her boyfriend/husband.

I think dinners are always a great option. You know, just a couple of girls having some margaritas over a bowl of chips and guacamole. If you want to avoid food all together you can always suggest meeting up at a spa. Swap stories about childbirth or how much you hate your in-laws over lavender pedicures.

Just enjoy yourself.

Kate

Tom Cruise's Assistant Was a Spy

2012-01-23T14:27:00.000-08:00

The Village Voice posted a very interesting article last week about how the Church of Scientology’s leader had Tom Cruise’s assistant (another Scientologist) provide him with daily reports on the actor's life. The spying started once Tom began seeing Nicole Kidman and he began to slowly cut ties with the church at the persistence of his soon-to-be bride and her parents. Unhappy to let a big star (and obvious obsession) pull away, the church's leader planted a spy to ensure that their aggressive plan to coax him back was tailored according to whatever weaknesses or problems Cruise had been facing. So basically they spied on him, manipulated him, and then brainwashed him. Fun times!

The Church's defected second-highest ranking executive participated in these daily briefing calls and alleges Tom's assistant would tell him what was "happening with Nic [Nicole Kidman], what was happening in the household, and what was happening between Tom and Steven Spielberg." The reporting began in the early 1990s.

See, this is what happens when you roll with the Scientologists. You get your phone bugged, you are consistently followed around town by a non-descript white moving van, and someone goes through your trash. You can’t even trust your assistant.

Is this a church you would want to call you own?

Maybe I am just old school. I prefer a church where I only have to show up on Sundays or maybe even just major holidays. No one asks questions, they are just happy you are there and hopeful you will drop a large chuck of change in the offertory basket. I prefer a relationship with my Priest that is distant and cordial. They don’t need to know that I watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians while running on my treadmill or that sometimes I watch Jersey Shore while my daughter plays with her blocks beside me. I like them to think I pray regularly and spend all my free time giving back to others. Why bother them with the reality that I usually reserve praying for finding parking spots and sometimes when faced with attending an 8:00 am service or sleeping in my pillow usually wins?

An additional highlight from the article:

Tom Cruise talks to ashtrays.

"Cruise, who was coming off his star turn in Days of Thunder, was spending a lot of time at the base as church leader David Miscavige groomed him to be an ideal face for the movement. Part of becoming a more advanced Scientologist meant that Cruise needed to learn how to "audit" -- or counsel -- other church members. Headley was chosen to be audited by Cruise, and the two spent hours and hours performing standard Scientology "training routines." As Headley explained to me in 2009, these drills included Cruise instructing Headley to talk to ashtrays, bottles, and books.”

Have you ever had a meaningful conversation with a water bottle?

I can’t even get my husband to listen to me half the time. So how does one get an ashtray to talk back to them?

Angelina Jolie Hates George Clooney's Lady Friend

2012-01-19T10:36:00.000-08:00

Hollywood is like high school. We know this. So this juicy item from this week’s issue of US Magazine especially amused me. Apparently Angelina Jolie went out of her way to ice George Clooney's current lady friend while stuck on a private jet to Palm Springs. Imagine these two aboard the same private jet?

Unfriendly skies! George Clooney, 50, and Stacy Keibler, 32, hitched a ride on a private jet with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie from LA to the Palm Springs International Film Festival in California on January 7 – but the flight was anything but smooth. “Angelina refused to acknowledge that Stacy was even on the plane,” a source tells Hot Stuff of Clooney’s bubbly girlfriend of six months. “Angelina went out of her way to ignore her, from takeoff to landing. She would not even look Stacy’s way. She was NOT having it!” A second source isn’t at all surprised that Keibler got iced by Jolie: “Angie is really not a girlie girl.” Still, Keibler should not be too concerned. Turns out her beau doesn’t like Jolie much either. Says a source close to Clooney, “He thinks Angelina is boring and not good company at all. He does not like to spend time with her.”

I am not surprised that Angelina would ignore Keibler. Angelina fancies herself a world leader. Her hobbies include throwing knives and skinning squirrels. She is not exactly someone you would meet up with for mani/pedis. She’d rather ride dirt bikes. Unless you are living in a remote village in a third world country she doesn’t have much interest in your life. She is incapable of having an upbeat conversation. Angelina is also an award-winning actress who studied at the Lee Strasberg Theatre Institute. Keibler is a former Raven Cheerleader most well known for her stint on “Dancing with the Stars.” It’s like the captain of the dance team trying to chat with the exchange student from France who smokes cigarettes and sleeps with the Science teacher.

I imagine a conversation would go something like this:

Keibler: “Angelina, I am such a fan. I loved you in The Tourist. Aren’t you super psyched we are going to Palm Springs? We should get facials together at the hotel. Have you ever had a pumpkin peel?”
Jolie: “We will be leaving right after the festival. I am flying back to Libya to meet with aid groups and United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees representatives. There is so much work to be done.”
Keibler: “Cool! I would love to do more volunteer work. I have just been so busy traveling with George. We were just in Cabo San Lucas. I got the best tan of my life. Have you ever had a Mojito Margarita? Want some of my sashimi?”
Jolie: “I don’t eat, thank you. I find it disrespectful to those suffering around the world.”

I imagine this could also be part of the reason Clooney is not a fan. He is practically the Mayor of Hollywood. He is charming and self-deprecating while Jolie takes herself very seriously. She thinks of herself as a modern Mother Theresa. Except I don’t think Mother Theresa ever did drugs or stole someone’s husband.

Paula Deen v. Diabetes

2012-01-18T13:39:00.000-08:00

I think Paula Deen is hilarious. She is sassy, but sometimes that laugh of hers scares me. Ever get the sense that if you piss her off she might stab you with a steak knife? I can’t say I have ever made one of her recipes. I have an aversion to most things made with cheese, butter, or mayonnaise. (I am dry heaving even as I type this). I also try pretty hard to avoid heart attacks.

Paula has a real PR mess on her hands.

She announced yesterday she has been living with Type 2 diabetes for three years and is now collaborating with drug maker Novo Nordisk to launch Diabetes in a New Light, an online program for those also struggling with diabetes. Though National Enquirer first reported she had the disease in April 2010, she said she withheld the announcement so she could have time to talk with her family and feel like she had “something to bring to the table.”

This can't be easy for someone who has made a reported $10 million a year making lard dumplings and butter crusted butter balls. Rather than admitting her condition early on she seemingly waited until she could ink a substantial endorsement deal or keep it secret forever. Not that anyone is surprised that someone who makes deep fried cheesecake would eventually have problems with their blood sugar.

She spoke with Today Show host Al Roker, a man with his own health issues, yesterday about her diagnosis. He asked if the unhealthy food she is known for cooking contributed to her diagnosis: "Certainly Al, that is part of the puzzle, but there’s many other things that can lead to diabetes. Certainly genetics, certainly your life style, certainly what you eat, certainly stress. And last but not least is age.”

She also said she has always spoken out about the need for moderation. You know, moderation of heavy cream in a brownie pudding bowl or of Crisco in a fried chicken wrapped pizza pocket.

From celebrity chef and noted detractor Anthony Bourdain in an interview with Eater.com yesterday: When your signature dish is hamburger in between a doughnut, and you’ve been cheerfully selling this stuff knowing all along that you’ve got Type 2 Diabetes… It’s in bad taste if nothing else. How long has she known? I suspect a very long time.

And then on twitter: “Thinking of getting into the leg-breaking business, so I can profitably sell crutches later.”

Had she announced this earlier and admitted her mistakes she would be garnering much more sympathy. Had she just said that she should have taken more consideration into the kinds of food she was cooking for herself, her family, and the millions of people who follow her recipes, she would have sounded more sincere.

How is she changing her lifestyle now? She says she has cut back on her sweet tea. Nice. That should make a dent.

But what about her bacon-wrapped macaroni and cheese? Will she be serving Velveeta fudge this weekend? No one up for Bacon Cheeseburger Meatloaf? I am not kidding you. These are some her most famous recipes.

Side note - Can you imagine if someone came to your house with Velveeta fudge?

What is her advice on eating now that she has Type 2 diabetes? "You can have diabetes and have a piece of cake. You cannot have diabetes and eat a whole cake."

Go ahead, America. Forget about getting yourself on an exercise program and filling yourself with whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins. Just try to cut back on your Peanut Butter Chocolate Gooey Cake servings. Don’t worry about potential gangrene infections or going blind. Just try to eat one fried pickle tonight instead of four.

Cameron Diaz Has Lost Her Mind: Round 2

2012-01-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

The best part of award shows for me is finding out what happened behind the scenes in the days following. Sure, everyone looks pretty much perfect on television, but what's really happening at the after parties and outside the valet? It is sort of like attending a wedding. The ceremony is always beautiful, but the night really begins when the guests have had too much champagne and the dance floor fills up. You know what I mean? I want to know what was said in the bathrooms. I want to know what you could overhear at the bar.

New York Daily News has some interesting scoop today about Cameron Diaz and Sean "P.Diddy" Combs.

An insider says Diddy and Diaz did not seem to arrive together. Diddy apparently got there solo, says our source, and after being warmly swarmed by Paris, Nicky and Kathy Hilton and posing for photos with them, headed to an elevated back room in a tent pitched in the bar’s parking lot. There, Diddy found Diaz sitting on a couch “talking to a guy,” says the source. “Let’s go,” Diddy told the “Bad Teacher” actress, who our source says quickly got up to follow him out a back exit where celebrities could call their cars, away from the prying eyes of the paparazzi. Before Diaz and Diddy could make their getaway, however, our source says they ran into three male party guests who wanted their pictures taken with Diaz. She happily obliged, says our source, until an impatient Diddy grabbed her hand, said “Let’s go” again, and pulled her to a waiting car. “I’ve never seen him so controlling,” says the source, who says Diaz “seemed to like the manly power thing.”

Remember when I suggested she had a major case of beer goggles?

Now I think she has lost her mind.

She left a Golden Globes party because her overbearing quasi-boyfriend is this guy:

See what I am saying?

Golden Globes 2012 Recap

2012-01-16T11:02:00.000-08:00

This weekend I got a call from a colleague who needed some help with PR for their client. The unnamed actress was to be a presenter at the Golden Globes and wanted to take advantage of the opportunity. So they naturally asked me for some advice on protocol, because obviously I have any idea what I am talking about. Sort of like the other week when I found myself giving Brandon, the barista from the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in Costa Mesa advice on making it in the entertainment business. It reminded me of that scene from Mr. Mom.

Jack Butler (Keaton): Come on over here Ron. Let me show you what I'm doing, taking advantage of some of the time off. To, uh, add a whole new wing on here. Gonna rip these walls out and, uh, of course re-wire it.

Ron Richardson (Martin Mull): Yeah, you gonna make it all 220?

Jack Butler: Yeah, 220, 221. Whatever it takes.

As I stood in my running shorts, Nike pull-over, and with a newborn attached to a baby bjorn I gave advice to an international film star on when she should show up to the red carpet, what she should wear, and how she should maximize press coverage in the following days.

Again, this is my life.

But to get to the Golden Globes. Did you notice how waxy and swollen everyone looked? Thankfully the awards season comes right after the holiday so many of these celebrities can spend Christmas and New Year's recovering from face lifts, liposuction, and other age defying surgeries without notice.

A few observations:

- Elton John and Queen Latifah's obvious hatred for Madonna, which was most visible when she accepted her award for Original Song in a Motion Picture.

- The accent evolutions of both Madonna and Angelina Jolie. Did you know they hate each other too?

- I am no expert on malnourishment (Lord knows I can't say no to a vat of guacamole or a cupcake), but Angelina Jolie's arms are concerning. Yet she still looks like she'd easily win a knife fight. Do you think Brad Pitt sleeps with one eye open? Is he more afraid of Angelina or Maddox?

- Ricky Gervais could have been funnier.

- Page Six notes Jennifer Lopez pulled out of the Globes after she and other stars were warned by e-mail through their agents that it could prevent them from appearing on the Oscars in February as presenters. Why is she presenting awards?

- I am over Sofia Vergara. We.Get.It. You are the Columbian Jessica Simpson. (But her dress was gorgeous).

- Jessica Biel didn't wear her "engagement ring", but opted instead to dress up like a bride. Just begging for questions about Timberlake.

- Kelsey Grammer beating out Damian Lewis from Homeland makes no sense. Obviously political. Also, no one cares that your 86th wife is pregnant.

- People who should consider firing their stylist: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Piper Perabo, and Jessica Chastain.

- I'd love to see Tina Fey and Jane Lynch in a movie together.

- I'd love to see Rob Lowe at my house in the kitchen making me breakfast. Did I say that out loud?

Your thoughts on this year's show and winners?

Jennifer Lopez Marrying Again?

2012-01-13T10:23:00.000-08:00

My guess is National Enquirer has an inside source at Casa de Jennifer Lopez. Notice all of the recent items about J.Lo, Marc, and the new love in her life? Perhaps the gardener is looking for some extra cash and got away with avoiding signing a non-disclosure agreement? I say this because the Enquirer has had some very interesting scoop over the last few weeks.

What we know so far:

- Jennifer is now giving her back-up dancer boyfriend Casper a $10,000 a week allowance. Presumably this is so he can stock up on sneakers, earring studs, and hair gel.

- Despite Casper apparently having a penchant for drag racing and possibly having warrants out for his arrest, she has given him driving privileges so he can escort her around town in her Bentley.

- Marc has suggested she seek the help of a therapist to work out why she always needs a man in her life. (Good call, Marco).

- No one in her family can believe she has started dating someone else so quickly; especially considering the ink on her separation papers is barely dry.

But now the Enquirer reports that her kids are calling him "Daddy Casper".

Marc Anthony exploded in a fit of rage after his kids called Jennifer Lopez’s much-younger new boyfriend “Daddy”! While staying with their famous father recently, Marc and Jennifer’s 3-year-old twins, Emme and Max, referred to J.Lo’s 24-year-old backup dancer beau, Casper Smart, as “Daddy Casper,” say sources. An enraged Marc immediately called Jennifer and blasted her, telling her that if she didn’t fix the situation pronto, he was going to let the kids call his new girlfriend, 24-year-old Venezuelan model Shannon De Lima, “Mommy Shannon”!…

I don’t know about you, but I can not wait for this wedding. Because we all know she is going to marry this guy. I am thinking a laser show with smoke. Not quite sure if she will wear a wedding dress. He will definitely wear a red leather Michael Jackson. There will be a dance off.

Khloe Kardashian and I Should Have a Show

2012-01-11T14:14:00.000-08:00

Dear Executives at the E! Network,

In light of Star Magazine’s report in this week’s issue about the paternity of Khloe Kardashian you might have another hit show on your hands.

As you already know, the magazine reports Robert Kardashian’s ex-wife and widow have come forward in an exclusive in which they both claim that he expressed his doubts about the paternity of Khloe.“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married,” Jan Ashley, 63, the woman who married Robert after Kris Jenner, revealed to Star. “He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, ‘Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?’ And I said…’OK,’ and that was it.” Ellen Kardashian, 63, married Robert in 2003 just two months before his death, after dating for nearly six years — and she has also come forward after eight years of silence to “tell the truth” about the Kardashian family. “Khloe brought it up all the time,” Ellen told Star. “She looked nothing like the rest. She was tall, had a different shape, light hair, curly hair. Didn’t look anything like the other three children.” And while Kris recently admitted in her new book that she cheated on Robert during their marriage, both Jan and Ellen said they’ve always known she cheated, and so did Robert.

P.S. Does this mean you will be changing the name of the show to Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Khloe?

Here's where my idea comes in.

I also struggle with believing the man who calls himself my dad is actually legit. Long story short.. He’s a little crazy. I tried to take a DNA sample from his drink on my last visit back East, but the guy doesn’t drink from straws. I also tried to pluck a piece of hair from his hairbrush, but didn’t get enough time to rummage through his belongings. So, no dice.

So I think Khloe and I should have our own show where we try to obtain DNA samples from the men who may be our dads. We will work with you to come up with a list and then you give us access to state of the art spy materials. Maybe you have a contact at Quantico? Think of it as part Alias and part Cagney & Lacey. Just a couple of gals on a quest to find their Padres. Good. Family. Fun.

I will be waiting for your call.

Ashley Thinks Jay-Z's Rap For New Baby Is Contrived

2012-01-10T08:33:00.000-08:00

In a new song released Monday titled Glory, Jay-Z triumphantly raps to Blue, his daughter with Beyonce, "Words can't describe what I'm feeling for real… My greatest creation was you." Which, by the way, is probably a nice thing for his other three children to hear.

Ashley thinks his song is contrived to mask a secret surrogacy. Note the maximum security at the hospital. What about the questionable belly? How can someone who pretty much starves herself all year to maintain her weight suddenly only gain pregnancy weight in the ninth month? Only a bloated face? The work of progesterone shots?

Can we talk about how carefully constructed this song is? Let's deflect the surrogacy rumors by revealing that Beyonce had a miscarriage before. Feel sorry for us! And let's be sure to stress how she felt the baby moving in her uterus because she really did carry it. Really.

She continues this morning:

And the part about her being conceived in Paris. "We know exactly when she was conceived because we did it the 'natural' way!" Just like the birth announcement had to mention the word "naturally." It's all so calculated. Please, there's no way anyone could perform at the Grammys 5 weeks after having a baby.

Remember that Brady Bunch episode when Mr. Brady throws his briefcase on the courtroom floor and the gentleman with the fake neck brace is revealed to be lying? We can easily figure this out. Is she currently sitting on a donut pillow? Does she have to get into her bed sideways? Between the fancy perfumes and lipsticks is there a plastic water bottle in her bathroom? Does she want to punch her husband in the face when he suggests the “right” way to breastfeed?

Why would a celebrity use a surrogate? They want to preserve their body, the vessel that is responsible for their paycheck. Beyonce makes the bulk of her money not in albums, but performing in concerts. She sells an image. Pregnancy lasts 10 months and then you have to factor in the recovery and then the work it requires to lose weight and tone up once again. For these celebrities that cuts into what they perceive is the shortened lifetime of an entertainer. Even with nutritionists and trainers they worry about how long they are out of commission. But it begs the questions if whether all the secrecy and stealth planning is really worth it. Doesn’t she make enough money that a couple months off the tour won’t dent her bank account?

Charlie Sheen Says He is No Longer Crazy

2012-01-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

Listen; there are some things I know. I wouldn't exactly call myself Oprah, but I kind of am. I don't have my own show (yet) or a network (fingers crossed), but I do have a way of getting people to admit their innermost feelings to me. A lifetime of dealing with crazy people has also allowed me to read people pretty well. Not sure if your new boyfriend is a psychopath? Give me two minutes with him. Still trying to figure out if you should invite your neighbor over for dinner? I'll stop by later today and give you a full report. I can call it like it is, which is distressing when your husband likes to believe the world is full of rainbows and unicorns. He likes to think everyone deserves a second chance and most people have the best intentions. I think if someone seems a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs you should start filling out the paperwork for a restraining order. I suppose we balance each other out that way.

I bring this up because I just read that Charlie Sheen is now claiming he is no longer crazy. But the thing is you can't exactly be crazy and then not be crazy anymore, even if you want to blame it on illegal drug use. It's sort of like saying you are no longer short. It’s a nice thought, but not exactly possible.

“I’m not crazy any more. That was an episode,” Sheen says, laughing, as he spoke with reporters at Sunday night’s Fox Network Television Critics Association party in Pasadena, Calif. “I think I’m a different person than I was yesterday. Everything is a lot more mellow and focused and much more rooted in reality.”

He also says he is now a family man and no longer finds it necessary to roll with a bunch of prostitutes.

Is he still crazy? If you were his friend would you:

- Allow him to attend your child’s birthday party?

- Leave him alone with your elderly parents during a discussion about conspiracy theories?

- Set him up with your friend on a blind date?

- Let him order a movie off of your DIRECTV when you are not in the room?

See what I mean?

Inside Beyonce's Hospital Room

2012-01-06T11:39:00.001-08:00

Reason #152 Being Celebrity Has Its Perks:

According to InTouch Weekly Beyonce and Jay-Z have made special arrangements for the impending arrival of their child. (Some of us - actually more than a few - are not exactly convinced she will be doing any of the pushing, but let's all just gather together and review the latest details from Project Womb so we can discuss as only gossip lovers do).

Beyonce and Jay-Z have booked a private luxury-birthing suite at New York’s St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital Center, complete with a flat-screen TV and a private kitchen where gourmet meals can be prepared for the picky pair. According to an insider, Beyonce meticulously planned out every detail just as she would one of her onstage spectaculars – even having a hairpiece designed just for the delivery! “She wanted to look spectacular for her biggest performance ever,” the insider says.

Would I elect to have a special birthing room with a flat screen television, gourmet chef, and someone in charge of the rat’s nest I call my hair? Um, obviously.

Television – My hospital provided a set the size of a box of Nabisco crackers across the room from my Craftmatic adjustable hospital bed. The volume could only be adjusted through a remote connected to the contraption. So the only people who were able to actually hear the television were the people occupying the hospital bed. Not exactly helpful to your spouse and the other people who are having to sit around and wait for your water to break and your child to fall out of you. It also only aired four channels, one of which included a channel devoted to watching who comes and goes through the hospital chapel. I am not sure about you, but I’d rather watch Real Housewives than strangers praying in a room adjacent to the lobby.

Gourmet Meals – Obviously. Hospital food is vile. If it were not for my friend Cara smuggling in a bag of tortilla chips and a vat of salsa I would have had to eat lettuce leaves, Jell-O, and sandpaper wrapped chicken filets.

Special Weave – I have never had to wear fake hair. Lord knows I have enough of my own to deal with, but the idea of having someone on site to make you look more like a pop icon and less like a sweaty woman who just got hit by a Mac truck sounds pretty good to me. Why not have a manicurist and lighting specialist come in too? Have a few disco balls fall from the ceiling once the baby pops out? Maybe throw in a laser show? That is if they are not already enjoying the Beyonce Live! Concert in H-D on the flat screen you already provided.

Thumbs up!

Marc Anthony Tries to Make J.Lo Jealous

2012-01-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting divorced, which you probably already know. Her new love Casper, as he is called, is 24-years old, wears large diamond earrings and low-slung pants. He is basically a younger Latin version of P. Diddy. This, as you can only imagine, has infuriated the notoriously jealous Marc. In his latest attempt to make her once again pay attention to him he has posted on Twitter a photo of himself with his 24-year old Venezuelan model girlfriend. God forbid these two actually date people in their peer group.

If you are also the product of a divorced family you can probably join me in wondering what your own parents would have done to annoy each other post-split in a Twitter and Facebook world. Instead of showing off your new relationship at church or a local restaurant you have the Internet, which is undoubtedly helpful to your children struggling with the demise of your union.

My mom would have had photos of her on trips to Ponderosa with the man who would become my stepfather. Take that, Paul. See my new man? He likes to wear stained sweatpants and has a fat neck. Jealous? He drives a Cadillac. He smokes cigarettes and has yellow teeth. Then my dad would post a picture of himself at a St. Patrick's Day parade with his new lady-friend Flora Ann. (True story: that was one of his girlfriend's names). See, look how happy I am. She might be half my age, but she likes listening to me tell her stories about my childhood spent in the Irish hillside tending to the sheep. Sure, she might have the name of a 95-year old quilt maker, but she listens to my made up stories and she has nice hair. So who is jealous now?

Can you imagine?

Justin Timberlake Getting Married?

2012-01-04T10:27:00.000-08:00

Things that you will probably never see:

1. Me wearing ankle boots at a country music concert or at a bible study.
2. Kim Kardashian without her hair extensions in a public library.
3. Rick Santorum as President.

You can also add to that list an actual legal union between Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Yes, I know US Weekly says they are engaged. People Magazine can do a feature spread on the engagement details and even include a photo of the "couple" with matching outfits and displaying the alleged engagement ring, but this will never happen. So don't make yourself crazy worrying what you can purchase off their registry or what you can wear to their wedding. They won't need a cheese grater and there will be choreographed bridal party reception dance routine. Save yourself the heartache and frequent flier miles. There will be no wedding.

Blind Gossip
December 28, 2011

This good-looking young couple will announce their engagement. Their relationship was conceived in the office of their publicist/s, so don’t hold your breath for a wedding. They are already scheduled to break up before the end of next year. While they are both attractive people, one of them is considerably more talented than the other.

How Celebrities Make Money Off of Staged Photos

2012-01-03T13:49:00.000-08:00

LeAnn Rimes and her unemployed actor husband Eddie Cibrian spent the holidays in Mexico. How do I know this? I saw the pictures of LeAnn celebrating the birth of Christ and the New Year on a yacht in a white string bikini. Her hair, as you can imagine, is perfectly tousled and her makeup applied by angels. Somehow the paparazzi that normally follow celebrities around New York and Los Angeles also decided to spend some R&R in the same vicinity of two fame seekers in a foreign country known for kidnapping tourists?

Remember those pictures of Blake Lively's family Thanksgiving celebration in Utah? Somehow a photographer was able to track down her whereabouts during her very private family affair? You know, the one held at a lovely Bed and Breakfast that her sister just happens to own? Somehow this rouge photog got access to a balcony overlooking the dining room so he could capture her next to Ryan Reynolds and seated between the mashed yam soufflé and the cranberry relish?

Crawl out from under your rock, Pollyanna. These celebrities are making money off all these staged photos. Don't believe me?

I am reading Jo Piazza's Celebrity Inc. (a great read for the weekend), where she discusses how famous people make money. In the chapter on Spencer Pratt and famewhoring she touches on the business of staged photos, which is one of "Hollywood's dirty secrets and a revenue stream that even A-list celebrities take advantage of."

Here is how it works.

Celebrities, our their representatives, strike a deal (typically a year-long contract) with a photo agency to broker the sales of staged photos to tabloid magazines, TV shows, and websites around the world. Profits from the sale are split down the middle, the celebrity, and the agency receiving 50 percent. The checks come in on a monthly basis. If an agent or publicist brokers the deal, they take a 10-15 percent cut off the top.

So Eddie Cibrian finds other ways to contribute to the couple’s joint back account. (Since Mama is the one really bringing home any bacon in that house). Blake Lively continues to get the press she craves in order to move up the fame ladder. (And throw her sister a few bones while she is at it).

Is Beyonce Faking Her Pregnancy?

2011-12-30T12:06:00.000-08:00

Apparently a New York hospital is on lock down with word that a celebrity VIP will be giving birth imminently. Because God forbid Beyonce would push a baby out of her amongst other civilians. She needs lights and backup dancers. She must be dressed in a gold gown and have rose petals thrown on her in between contractions.

There has been much speculation over whether Beyonce is really pregnant. While every woman carries differently, the footage of Beyonce giving an interview and seemingly having a questionable baby belly did not seem help matters.

Take a look at these two blind items in the last two weeks:

BLIND GOSSIP

December 14, 2011

She was brought in from outside the United States. She only speaks Spanish (or Portuguese?), and has a child who is approximately Kindergarten age. She is fairly attractive, looks like she is in her late twenties, and has thick, dark brown hair and medium-colored skin. You probably wouldn’t notice her if she was walking down the street. However, it doesn’t really matter what she looks like, as she is simply the Surrogate for a baby that is a genetic combination of the soon-to-be Mom and Dad. The Surrogate is currently living on the Lower West Side of Manhattan with her first child in a very nice apartment. She is not married, and does not really know anyone in New York, but she does want to stay here once the birth is over. The apartment is being paid for by the Couple. The Surrogate is well-cared for by a full-time staff person and there is always a doctor or nurse on call. She looks like she is approximately eight months pregnant, and is clearly much bigger than the Mom, who is simply playing pregnant. By the way, the Mom was physically capable of bearing her own child, but she didn’t want to "ruin" her body.

BLIND GOSSIP

December 22, 2011

It’s coming down to the wire, folks! Just a few weeks to go. There’s one problem, though. She was looking too thin to be convincing. Thankfully, she found a solution that doesn’t include eating a single bowl of ice cream. It’s called Prednisone. Taking excessive amounts of corticosteroids over time can result in some serious effects, including hypertension and cataracts. Another side effect is gaining weight, especially in the face and neck and abdomen. She knew this because it happened to her before. Last time it was accidental and was upsetting for her. Now, though, it’s purposeful, and is a solution to her problem. She started taking Prednisone a couple of months ago, so she should be plumping up pretty soon. Fat face and neck coming right up! She not worried, though, because she’s been told that the weight will drop quickly once she tapers down below 10 mg a day. Followed, of course, by claims of how hard she worked to take off the weight.

My Sister, The Queen

2011-12-29T09:14:00.000-08:00

I am assuming when most people take trips to see their family in other parts of the country they try to make use of the short time they have with their loved ones. Perhaps sit around and watch old home movies or take walks and play board games?

But not in my family.

My sister, who lives in New Jersey, is out for a quick visit. The evening before she arrived she called me to ask that I book her a massage appointment for the following morning and to make sure it was early enough that it not coincide with her Brazilian blowout appointment in the afternoon. I should note that during this conversation I was straining to keep my eyelids open, was trying to read an email on my Blackberry, and trying to prevent my 2 year old from smacking her 4-week-old brother in the face with a broom. Because in addition to having my own PR firm I am also apparently her executive assistant.

This Thanksgiving while I was still sitting on a donut pillow and trying to recover from childbirth she inquired whom I would be inviting for the holiday dinner. Perhaps instead of icing my lady parts and catching up on sleep I should have been arranging a 'Welcome to California in the Fall' party for her.

As you know, she is prone to call me at varying times of the day to ask me the answers to random questions readily available on Google. She has been known to call me from New York City in the middle of a street block to see if I can look up ferry schedules for her even though there is a three hour time difference and I probably have better things to do.

Why spend the Christmas holiday helping your younger sister who gets no more than four hours of sleep per night? What use is there for sharing your inner most hopes and desires for the new year when you can get a quality pedicure at Happy Nails? Who needs to catch up with your brother-in-law, niece, and newborn nephew when there is a sale calling your name at your favorite boutique?

Have to go, Neiman Marcus is calling.

Assistant Sues Lady GaGa

2011-12-28T11:04:00.000-08:00

Lady Gaga's former assistant has filed a lawsuit against her alleging she was overworked and underpaid.

People are often under the assumption that a position as a celebrity assistant would be an exciting job. I have news for you… it's not. The first, and most important detail is you don't get paid well. Just because you are working for someone who has money does not necessarily mean they like to share it. In fact I would say often times the more money someone makes the less they like to spend it. This is especially true with celebrities. You know how much stuff they get for free? Well they also expect you to work for free.

Gaga's assistant says she worked for 13 months, accompanying the singer on her 2010 Monster Ball world tour. She alleges that she put in 7,168 hours of unpaid overtime and is owed more than $380,000, according to New York Post. She claims she catered to the singer’s eccentric whims and demands around the clock and insists she had to ensure ‘the promptness of a towel following a shower” and acted as a “personal alarm clock to keep [Gaga] on schedule.” She received to breaks for meals or to sleep and had to constantly make sure that Gaga had ‘the availability of chosen outfits’.

Lady Gaga, while a tremendous entertainer, doesn't exactly strike me as someone who has a clear understanding of the Fair Labor and Standards Act. She does, however, seem like someone who would want you to stand next to her while she sleeps while simultaneously holding a candle in one hand and a can of hair spray in the other. How can you expect someone to give you lunch and sleep breaks if they do not partake in those activities themselves?

Your life as a celebrity assistant might take you around the world, but it will probably be spent minding the luggage. You won't be enjoying gourmet dinners at fine restaurants or getting gifts from luxury retailers. You will be sitting in a hotel room brushing a set of wigs. Do you want a job where you are required to inspect someone's cellulite or rub lotion on their mangled toes?

Celebrities Without Makeup

2011-12-23T07:47:00.000-08:00

Having one of those when you feel like a shadow of your former self? Wondering what happened to the old you, the one that looked fresh faced and ready to face the world? Startled at the new run-down you, the one that feels like you just got smacked in the face with the heel of a three year-old? Keep your chin up, old friend. Even Julia Roberts needs some help. Remember this when you are silent crying in the mirror tomorrow morning.

Tom Cruise and I Would Never Last

2011-12-22T10:10:00.000-08:00

I have recently come to the conclusion that Tom Cruise and I would never have been a good match. There was a time in the early 2000s when we were both single and living in Los Angeles, so it could have happened. Perhaps if I had been open to a life of brainwashing things might have turned out differently. While I do think that we have complimentary tastes in jeans and we both like warmer climates, there would obviously be some major issues we would have had to iron out. I have outlined some of them below.

1. Tom likes his women to stand in the background like wallflowers willing to adore him and allow him to receive the constant praise he expects.

I like to do high kicks and jazz hands, preferably in public. I might at times feel the need to push him out of my way on a red carpet to say nothing of my desire to one day perform a duet with Barry Manilow.

2. He speaks often about his life with wife Katie and daughter Suri as "magical".

I doubt he would do the same for me. He'd probably refer to our life together as "fine" or say "things could be worse."

3. He would require me to take Scientology courses, attend church related events, and be audited regularly.

I can't even get myself together on Sundays. The Priest at my own church must think I am part of the witness protection program. I'd probably ask too many questions about their tax-exempt status and I doubt anyone would appreciate my concerns over being strapped to a lie detector test or the threat of being blackmailed.

4. He is vain. A Brazilian plastic surgeon practically outed him as a client recently, which would explain his most recent waxy look at his movie premieres. He also likes to wear makeup at public appearances and rumor has it he likes to borrow Katie's fancy skin creams.

Your husband should not be prettier than you. He also shouldn't have longer hair or have creamier skin. It should be a law. My hair is always pulled back, I wear little to no makeup in public, and I always forget to wear moisturizer. So basically I look like an Amish woman. So I would make a pretty crappy trophy wife.

5. He likes to wear platforms in his shoes.

Call me old fashioned, but I think there is only room for one set of heels in a marriage.

6. His idea of a romantic evening is racing motorcycles or jumping off a building.

My idea of romance is making out.

7. He likes to surround himself with staff, family members, and church officials that tell him how wonderful he is on a daily basis.

Someone needs to keep it real, and that would require too much of my time. I like my relatives to live on the other side of the country, not across the hallway.

Fortunately I ended up meeting Dan, so a life as a prisoner wife bound by a contract never became a reality.

Kardashian Christmas Card Nonsense

2011-12-21T11:06:00.000-08:00

My mom never sent out holiday cards when we were kids. Though I suppose I should be thankful, especially since that meant she never put together a Christmas letter. That would have been depressing. It would be have peppered with news about the vacations we didn't take, how at least one of us was going through puberty, and how our stepfather was keeping us busy with slave labor. But now everyone sends out holiday cards and for the most part they are sweet family photos. But then you have the Kardashians.

Would you take it as an insult that your mother had your Christmas photo photoshopped? Do you think it is necessary to have your card in 3-D? Why doesn't anyone face each other? Where are the matching Christmas sweaters? Was this taken before Kim filed for divorce? Is there a version with Kris Humphries? If so, can I get a copy for my nightstand? I can’t get my kid to stay still for any photo, but that Mason has his own catalog pose?

Side note - this is our Christmas card this year. I would like to note my mother-in-law had concerns that this would severely harm Mia for the rest of her life, making fun of what was a very difficult transition in her life.

So obviously I am also posting it.

Shedding Tears Over Kobe Bryant Divorce

2011-12-20T09:49:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy few days for me. Not because of the holiday but because I have been trying to get a handle on the shock of the Kobe Bryant divorce. I like to think they are friends. Sure, they have absolutely no idea who I am, but I see them regularly at the mall and at Coffee Bean, so that is good enough for me. So naturally my thoughts are with my friends in this trying time.

Doesn't it seem like yesterday a 21-year-old with too much money and an already inflated ego met a high school girl working as a background dancer on the Tha Eastsidaz music video "G'd Up". That was in the days when Kobe was going to be a rap star. Those were good days, weren't they? His child bride was a senior that year. Since he wanted to be a stand up guy and allow her the opportunity to graduate from high school and maintain a normal life he bought her a massive diamond engagement ring and made sure she had a luxury car drop her off and pick her up from school every day. But the other kids at school and media scrutiny made it too hard for Vanessa to focus on her studies so she had to pursue independent study. Not that she had any dreams for college.

They married despite the obvious objections of his parents and sisters, his longtime agent, or any of his Lakers teammates who refused to attend the ceremony. (Normally a sign to most people that you might be making a mistake). The only small hiccup in the early days of their marriage? There were whispers of affairs and a small sexual assault case. But nothing an 8-carat purple diamond ring worth about $4 million couldn't make up for. All can be forgiven when jewelry is involved.

But time marched on. There were championships to win and an entire collection of leopard print leggings and matching jackets to be bought. They had children, one aptly named after her love of diamonds. And she earned those basketball titles too. Didn't you see her standing with his teammates on the podium?

So can you blame anyone for being completely taken back by news of their split? It really seemed like these two could make things work.

Now all that is left is a massive fortune unprotected by a non-existent prenuptial agreement.

Tear.

A Christmas Gift for Jennifer Lopez

2011-12-19T13:08:00.001-08:00

One of the things that I found most annoying about Christmas time (besides the Salvation Army pots, animatronic Snowmen and icicle Christmas lights) is having to come up with clever gifts for Dan. Every year he seems less thrilled with what I come up with. This year I would have thought pushing a son out of my body would have been sufficient, but come Christmas morning his sighs and blank face will prove me wrong. What can you get someone who just goes out and gets whatever they want?

But imagine being the boyfriend of Jennifer Lopez. You are half her age and her back up dancer. You have a criminal background and only this year can rent your own car at an airport. She buys you earrings and grants you Bentley driving privileges. She takes you on family trips to Hawaii and lets you drink Diet Cokes and Red Bull in her cabana. You, in turn, promise to watch her kids while she gets a spray tan and gets her eyelashes flat ironed. Do you get her some gift cards to Regal theaters? Maybe a gift certificate to Arden B?

Now that is stressful.

Another Baby for Tom Cruise?

2011-12-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

Guess what? It's that time of year again. Christmas? Chanukah? No, friends, it's the time of the year when Tom Cruise's publicist plants hilarious stories in the tabloids about having baby number 2 with Katie Holmes. Why the sudden interest in her ovaries? Tomas has a movie to pitch, you see. Mission Impossible 14: Escape Back to Witch Mountain will be hitting your local cinema in another week or so. (I'd go myself, but I'm not sure the other 4 people in the theater would appreciate the sound of my freestyle breast pump). You see his PR and marketing team needs to get people interested in seeing the latest installment of the Impossible series and what better way than to give hope to the world who has waited anxiously for news of another Scientology baby?

InTouch Weekly says Tom's real “mission” is to get Katie Holmes to agree to baby number two. How is he planning on doing this? He's been serving her "super-romantic dinners in their Beverly Hills mansion. According to an insider, Tom recently hired the sushi chef from famed restaurant Nobu to prepare all of Katie’s favorites — and even got an assistant to make sure the table was bedecked with candles and fresh flowers. “She spent more than $3,000 on the sushi chef alone,” the insider marvels. “But he’ll do anything to keep Katie happy.”

You know what would probably make her happier? Not having someone escort her to the bathroom on a daily basis. Not having her phone calls with her parents recorded. That is my guess.

“Instead of pressuring her to get pregnant, Tom is trying to show her how committed he is to her,” a friend explains. And in Tom’s mind, nothing says commitment like flowers. The friend reveals that Tom’s been having Katie’s favorites, orchids and hydrangeas, delivered to the house every day, along with her favorite foods. “He’s spoiling her,” the friend laughs. And it seems to be working. Even though getting pregnant again isn’t Katie’s top priority, the friend says she just might give in — for Tom.

Oh, Tomas. Everyone knows the way to get your wife pregnant is to slip her a roofie in her Tab Cola while she watches back to back episodes of the Golden Girls. But if that is not an option you can always have your attorney write up an amendment to any prior contractual agreements.

You know where your real problem lies? You need to get Suri on board. You think that little spitfire will want to share her diamond earrings and pony with someone else? This will not go down well.

Christmas with the Royals

2011-12-15T11:52:00.001-08:00

The big story this week is how Kate Middleton will be able to adjust to celebrating Christmas with her in-laws. Tradition holds that one can only spend the holiday with the royal family if they are in fact part of the family. So girlfriends, family friends, and chosen people do not apply. Once she landed the deal she had to come to terms with the fact that she would never be able to celebrate the birth of Christ in the comfort of her parent's house. Going forward she will have to spend it with her in-laws, shacked up in the Queen's digs in Sandringham manor, her retreat in Norfolk, England. In addition to being far from her family and the rest of civilization she has to adhere to strict rules concerning dress and scheduled events. For example:

- She has to wear five outfits a day, which include formal meals, black-tie-cocktails, church services and gift exchanges.

- Christmas Eve will be spent sipping gin and tonics in the saloon, and then a meal of lamb. Christmas Day, “the royals rise to stockings, stuffed with small gifts and fruit, at the feet of their beds.” Then church. Then, at 1pm, lunch of a giant turkey. At 3pm, they watch the queen’s taped speech to the nation on TV, and later, board games! Except Monopoly, which has been banned, as it “gets too vicious.” (US Weekly)

Adds Robert Jobson, author of William and Kate: The Love Story: “It will be a difficult baptism in protocol laced with pitfalls…She’s first the first outsider since Camilla…so all eyes will be on her.”

All eyes will probably be on her because the rest of the royal family is bored talking to the same relatives year after year. They all want to know what it is like in the outside world. Poor William knows no different.

Again, another reason I could never have married William. How would I explain to the other royal family members around the Christmas Dinner table that the alcohol cabinet in our house was always locked over the holidays because a mishap would have sent Uncle Jimmy back to rehab? Or that in my family all eyes would be on step-father because he would spend the duration of the Christmas dinner passing gas or complaining about his bout with the gout while trying to pull his oxygen tank to and from the bathroom.

I am sure The Queen would be thrilled.

A Suri Cruise Christmas

2011-12-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

Dan's mom is always telling me that Mia doesn't have enough toys, which is strange considering it feels like I am constantly picking them when I am not tripping over them. Besides, how many toys does one child need? It's not as if I force her to play with only a wooden spoon or a pair of dice. I'm not unreasonable. But at the same time it is not like she is the Princess of Saudi Arabia. You need to set some limits. You know how many toys I had a child? Not many. You know what happens to kids that get every toy they ever wanted? They become a-holes.

In Touch Weekly says Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have no issue with getting their pampered daughter everything she asks for. "Tom and Katie love the holidays and always go overboard to make sure Suri has a magical time. They are buying absolutely everything she asked for!” And this year, her “No. 1 wish is a pony!” claims the In Touch source, adding that Tom Cruise has already been on the search for a $100,000-plus pony, which is on Suri’s list for Santa, along with “diamond earrings and beautiful dresses, like a fairy princess gown.”

A 5 year-old is playing these two nutbags.

But I guess when you roll around in a private jet, are allowed to eat cupcakes every day, go to bed at midnight, and are told that your father is the Messiah of the Scientologists this is bound to happen.

You know what I got for Christmas at her age? A protractor and a new ruler. Did it blow my mind? No, of course not. But I was 5. Suri should think about stuff like that when she asks next year for a yacht or her own recording studio.

Kim Kardashian's Gold Hoop and Drag Makeup Charity Mission

2011-12-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to erase mounting backlash over her multi-million dollar nuptials and subsequent divorce filing Kim Kardashian headed to Haiti this week for a humanitarian mission. Kim, escorted by her mother/manager Kris visited the nation, still rebuilding from the 2010 earthquake as part of We Advance, the organization cofounded by actress Maria Bello.

What sort of advice do you think Kim has for the thousands of villagers still working to get clean drinking water and find a safe place to sleep at night? Always swipe your bronzer over the apple of your cheek? A good eyelash extension can really open your eyes? Leopard print looks best when matched with a bedazzled belt?

I also have to commend Kim for remaining committed to her vanity, even when interacting with people who are starving, afraid for their safety, and facing numerous health problems. Nothing says I understand your plight and I am here to support you like a perfect manicure or a lady wearing huge gold hoops, drag makeup, and leather pants. Because leather pants are practical when you need to scale a hill.

Jessica Simpson's $3 Million Baby Weight Loss Deal

2011-12-12T12:37:00.001-08:00

Jessica Simpson has just inked a deal worth $3 million to be the face of Weight Watchers to shed her baby weight.

This, as you may recall, is not the first moneymaking deal associated with her baby. She already tried to score a $500,000 out of the tabloids to announce her pregnancy (it didn't work) and has most recently tried to float a potential payday for the first pictures of her child too. One can only guess she will try to sell video of the child's first birthday too. (Note she makes plenty of money off of her accessory line, so being short on cash is not an issue. These deals are all made to milk every bit of publicity possible).

I am not sure Jessica is exactly the best choice for grabbing the new mom demographic. Can't they choose someone who has a little bit more willpower?

Remember when she lost all that weight for her role in Dukes of Hazzard? In 2005 she was reportedly paid $500,000 to take part in an (unreleased) exercise video about losing weight. Alex Astilean, CEO of Speedfit, which produced the unreleased exercise video, alleges she instead chose to gain weight and reap those benefits. She is currently in litigation over the deal.

Sure, just keep eating all those Doritos and Buffalo wings now, Sister Sledge. Keep thinking it will all just fall off when you push your baby out. I hate to break it to you. It's not that easy, especially if you've spent the nearly ten months you are pregnant avoiding exercise in any capacity. Picking up a TV remote and squatting in public restrooms does not qualify as exercise either. You know what happens after the baby comes out? You are left with a body that looks like a deflated balloon. You are now the proud owner of a chest that you can fold into origami. Forgot what your rear end looked like? You might want to wait to look. It isn't pretty. Focus in the short term on manicures and pedicures, because it will be one of the few things you don't have to completely disguise under ponchos.

Keep in mind that you can't work out for at least four to six weeks. If you are nursing you are even hungrier than you were pregnant. Yeah, no one tells you that part. Jessica, as I have said, just doesn't have the discipline of someone who wants to stay healthy. My guess is she would be perfectly happy sitting in a bath full of mayonnaise and Skittles.

I also wonder if Jess might take a shortcut. Don't you think she might find the idea of visiting a plastic surgeon's office and getting a little lipo a lot easier than walking on a treadmill and eating egg whites?

An Open Letter to Kris Humphries

2011-12-09T13:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Kris Humphries,

I understand (via the good folks at TMZ) that you felt ambushed during your Good Morning America interview this morning. Sounds like were outraged with all the questions concerning the bust-up of your showmance of a marriage. You were, in fact, just there to promote your charity work and to support your mother's cooking segment on the show. But ABC made it pretty clear that there was no pre-show deal made.

I know this may come as a surprise to you (and your mom) but no one really cares about Debra Humphries "world famous" Small Chocolate Chip Butter Cookies or your foundation. You didn't think ABC really cared either? It was just a ploy to get you on the air. They also don't care about your Dad's French onion dip recipe or how your Aunt Louise is able to get stains out of linens.

They want to know if Kim wears butt pads. They want to know how long her real hair is beneath her weave. They would love to hear what she looks like without all that spackling on her face. Does she sleep in a tanning bed?

Until you are able to sort out this annulment debacle and are relieved from the chains of your prenuptial agreement we will take a pass on any more "interviews."

Many thanks,

The General Public

Want to Be an Actor? Here are Some Tips.

2011-12-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

George Clooney gave an interview to The Hollywood Reporter as part of a roundtable discussion where he discussed the realities of his industry.

“I cut tobacco for a living in Kentucky. That was hard work...I sold insurance door-to-door. That’s hard work. Acting is not hard work. If you’re lucky enough to be sitting at a table like this, you’ve been very lucky in your life. You caught the brass ring somewhere along the way. I’ve known a tremendous number of talented actors who didn’t get opportunities. Is it hard work? It’s long hours, but nobody wants to hear you complain. I remember I was selling women’s shoes at a department store, which is a lousy job.” Clooney said no actors should complain about their profession. “I remember I would hear of famous stars complaining in Hollywood about how hard their life was – I didn’t want to hear that,” he said. “So I don’t find it difficult. I find it challenging, and sometimes I’m very bad at it, but I don’t find it hard.”
Other hard jobs?

Sanitation worker.
Anyone who waxes body hair.
Pedicure specialist.
Ryan Seacrest’s assistant.

Clooney has a great point. Is it really hard to act? As I have said many times, I act everyday. I am assuming you do too. You should have seen my most recent performance in “pretend you care what the Christmas light guy thinks about the economy” or “try not to tell the manicure lady that you would prefer she shut up and give you some much needed silence than discuss how hard it was to give birth to a baby in Vietnam.” Is acting challenging at times? I guess so, especially if you have to play a nun or a drug addict. But I think we can all agree that most of us could have done a bang up job playing any of the roles occupied by people like Jennifer Love Hewitt, Tori Spelling, or Channing Tatum. You know who would have taken any of the characters on Saved By The Bell to the next level? Um, me. You know who would be brilliant on Two and a Half Men? My money is on you. You may say to yourself that you don’t have the right training to star in one of these shows. Don’t you need to take acting classes or get a degree from one of those fancy correspondence schools? Not so, my friends. All you have to do is tap into your own experiences and emotions. You need to star in an action flick? Pretend you are 17 again and trying to break back into your house before your parent’s wakeup. Have an audition for a drama? Ask your roommate to punch you in your face and tell you to lose some weight and get a job. It’s that easy. And if that does not work sit on your couch and watch the Lifetime Channel during one of their Made-for-TV movie marathons.

During my performance in "Papa, Are you Crazy?"

Lindsay Lohan Gives Star Magazine Her "Diary"

2011-12-07T09:59:00.000-08:00

Are you ready for this one? Star Magazine reports in this week's upcoming issue that they have a copy of Lindsay Lohan's personal diary from 2008 where she writes about her deep love for Heath Ledger. That's right. Her diary just happened to fall into the lap of the Editors of one of the country's most widely read celebrity weeklies. Does anyone else smell desperation?

Forget the sex tape. Obviously the new tactic is to somehow get the Editors of the tabloids access to your personal journals. In fact if you really want to take it up a notch you also give them the combination to the lock on the side and a personalized decoder for all the coded messages. (Extra props if you include a cover letter and 3-D glasses).

“Today Heath died,” Lindsay wrote with a pink pen on January 22, 2008. “I’m in love with him…. He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more.....I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

Do I think Heath Ledger dated Lindsay? Um, no. Do I think both had major drug issues? Yes. Do I think Dina and Lindsay are using his death as an opportunity to get press? Is the Pope Catholic?

Lindsay isn't getting movie parts and no one is willing to pay for her staged photos anymore. She is persona non grata at industry related events. So it is obviously the efforts of her mother/manager/enabler Dina to get Lindsay back in the spotlight.

My guess? Dina propped Lindsay up this weekend, handed her a notebook and pink crayon, told her it is 2008 and to let her imagination run free. Then she made a couple of edits and Fedexed it to the magazine’s New York bureau before the deadline this week.

Because that is what a good mother does for her child.

Tree Trimming for Streetwalkers

2011-12-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

Next time Dan says I don't compromise I am going to have to remind him about the Christmas tree of 2011. He forced me to add red lights to ours this year. Ask my mom what can set me off and she will tell you about the tinsel incident of 1990. I decorated our family tree beautifully in white lights and matching ornaments only to find someone had thrown boxes of tinsel all over my work of art. My apologies if you love tinsel, but it is what one would describe as whiskey tango. In other words, why not cover your tree in metallic balls bearing beer logos? It was a travesty of epic proportions. If I had access to a staple gun someone would have lost an eye. You know who puts red lights on their Christmas trees? Prostitutes. The worst part is our tree sits in the corner of the living room and next to a window. So now my neighbors who called security because of my karaoke party now think I am operating a Christmas brothel.

Remember I told you about the young lady who lived above us for some time in college? You know, the apartment on 8th and E NE with the con-artist landlord? Our neighbor never seemed to be awake during normal hours. She had different men pick her up in the evening and always in a Ferrari or some other fancy car. She wasn't exactly friendly with the exception of the time she came downstairs to tell my friend Dan that she needed to escape from her "boyfriend" with whom she lived. My guess is that he was her employer, but one can never be sure. Maura, my Boston-bred roommate used to say that if she saw a red light on the back porch she would know it was time to leave.

I can't help but think of that girl every time I walk past my tree. I hope Dan is happy.

Anne Hathaway Hates Jessica Biel

2011-12-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

While some of you spent your Saturday night swilling champagne and dancing in cages I spent mine on my couch watching One Day, which stars Anne Hathaway and an adorable Jim Sturgess. Have you seen this movie? I cried for an hour. It's not necessarily the best film if you are still subject to post-pregnancy hormonal breakdowns. But that Jim Sturgess might just be my new obsession.

Anne, by the way, is not too happy with Jessica Biel. Jessica has been dropping hints to reporters for some time now that Anne steals all the good movie parts from her. Anne, as you can imagine, thinks Jessica is delusional. Anne, despite being generally annoying, has some pretty strong acting chops in comparison to a girl whose finest hour was playing one of the Camden sisters on the long running Jesus-drama Seventh Heaven. Her other greatest moment? Self-promoting staged paparazzi shots with her "boyfriend" Justin Timberlake in various parts of Vancouver and Rome. Jessica played the hot girl in the A-Team movie. Anne was in the Devil Wears Prada. You see what I am saying?

From National Enquirer:

Jessica was reportedly resentful after losing out on Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises, as well as a role in Les Miserables – both roles that went to Anne Hathaway. In a recent interview (with Elle magazine), Jessica insinuated that she and Anne were in competition for the same choice parts. The comparison infuriated Anne, and she got word back to Jessica to “quit complaining” and accept that she’s “not in the same league when it comes to acting,” divulged an insider.

When you are not getting the kind of parts you want you start to get desperado. Your first (and most obvious) choice is to beg a member of the opposite sex higher on the fame totem pole to pretend you are in a relationship with you. This allows you the opportunity to be photographed and make an appearance in the tabloids. If you are in the tabloids you are relevant and relevance is important to casting directors. Your back up plan is to mention the parts that got away because this normally would manipulate people into believing at some point you were up for the part. But you have to play it cool. You should only use the backup plan once a year if not once every few years. Overuse of the backup plan makes your desperation obvious. But if desperation is not an issue for you then you may as well go balls out. Walk every red carpet, crash events, and make out with Stephen Dorff.

Tom Cruise Celebrates Birthday on Ship with Scientology Prisoners

2011-12-02T10:23:00.000-08:00

Once you become an A-list actor you begin to lose all sense of reality. The people that surround you are all sycophants. Paid friends don't tell you what you don't want to hear. So imagine what happens when you are a movie star and involved in a religion that treats you like their own version of the Messiah. Tom Cruise's best friend is the Commander of Scientology and former church members say they were told to bend over backwards to make sure Tom's every need were always taken care of. Take for example Tom's birthday party that was held on the Freewinds, the church's cruise ship retreat destination.

Former church member Valeska Paris recently told Australian network ABC's program Lateline and New York's Village Voice that for twelve years she was kept against her will aboard The Freewinds where she worked as a Sea Org manual laborer from the age of 18. Here is the article.

What did she do on this floating religious prison? For her first six years, she worked as a waitress in one of the ship's restaurants. In 2002, she spent a short time as a "word clearer," a technical position that had her helping Scientologists understand the arcane terms of L. Ron Hubbard's "technology." She then supervised cases, and then became an auditor and an instructor of courses. What is a normal day like on the ship? "You'd get up at 6 and go to work, and you'd work until midnight. In 1997 and 1998, after our regular jobs we were up every night until 4 am cleaning up asbestos," she says. "There was rubble on the deck. We'd have to go behind the guys doing renovations, vacuuming up dirt until 4 in the morning."

But there was the time the ship hosted Tom Cruise's birthday party. Finally these indentured servants would get a little excitement. But as a Sea Org slave they were told that they were not allowed to ask for The Chosen One's autograph or they would have to face a "committee of evidence" which is similar to a disciplinary trial. They also had to call him "sir".

But poor Valeska got a cold sore, so she was banished to the engine room.

When David Miscavige (commander of the cult) spoke to the Sea Org team before the blessed actor's party. "He said, 'Tom Cruise is coming and I need really good service, so who's going to serve him?' A woman spoke up. 'No, no, it can't be a woman, because he's so good looking, any woman would fall for him.' So a guy had to take the job," she says. Cruise and Cruz were staying in the best cabin on the ship, which Valeska says was actually a violation of Freewinds rules -- unmarried "publics" (non-Sea Org Scientologists) were never allowed to sleep in the same cabin. But the rule was bent for the famous actor.

Because he is their Jesus.

"They had a yacht specifically for him," she says, referring to a smaller boat that Miscavige and Cruise used for diving. "Everything was free. They'd go diving and on motorbikes in Bonaire. When they went on the yacht, they had the best service, the best food. Tom was on a special diet. A chef, maybe from New York, a Chinese chef, was flown in to cook for him," she remembers.

So Tom had his own Scientology concierge service while his fellow church members scrubbed asbestos off the walls. Seems totally fair. He gets to ride around in motorcycles and they get exposed to cancer causing fumes.

Meanwhile, back on the ship, preparations for the big birthday were in full swing. "There were posters for every single movie he'd been in except for the ones he made with Nicole Kidman.

Because she didn't drink the kool-aid.

Still in lower conditions for her now-vanished cold sore, Valeska was unable to attend the party, but she heard plenty about it. "The band did all the songs from his movies, except the one he did with Nicole."

Also because Far and Away and Eyes Wide Shut didn't have any break dancing tunes on their soundtrack.

Valeska says three young women from the IASA -- the administration of the International Association of Scientologists -- were disciplined after the party. "They were trying to get Tom's attention. So they were put in the engine room."

What part of don't look into his eyes did you not understand?

The party itself was all about lavishing Miscavige's attention on his buddy Tom. "It was all set up by David Miscavige. All done by the church. And all about Tom Cruise. It was really weird. I mean, who wants to have posters of that stuff everywhere? And music playing from his movies."

Who would want that kind of party? Someone who loves himself. Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise's biggest fan. He probably sleeps on Top Gun pillowcases.

The best part? Here is his dance routine and duet to "Old Time Rock & Roll."

Also, if you recognize the singer it is because she is on this season of X Factor. Yep, they are everywhere.

Kardashians Now Selling Pregnancies

2011-12-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

Kourtney Kardashian is on the over of this week's US Magazine because she has announced she is pregnant with her second child. Industry sources guess she likely sold the interview exclusive to the magazine for $100,000.

She is only nine weeks pregnant. She probably just had her first ultrasound this week, but she would have been having talks with the magazine's editors and photo staff at least a week prior (if not more). So basically she sold a pregnancy before she even heard the baby's heartbeat.

The Kardashians are looking for some good press. Kim is in a supposed self-imposed exile post-nuptial bust. This is not good for Kris Jenner's wallet or her blood pressure. Without a child on Dancing with the Stars and many outlets willing to buy staged paparazzi photos she needs something clever. This is how I think the call with US Weekly went down:

Kris: Hi guys, it's me again.

Editors: Hi, Kris. We think our readers might need a little Kardashian down time. People are still pretty pissed about the showmance you guys put on. And we don't think anyone cares that Rob lost weight on a dancing show. Our focus groups were not interested in a story about Bruce's latest facelift. No one seems to think the younger kids have anything interesting to say, unless one of them is pregnant with Justin Bieber's baby.

Kris: Actually, there is a preggo.

Editors: Really? Great. Let's just go through legal.

Kris: But this one is Kourtney.

Editors: Really? I thought they sleep in separate bedrooms? Doesn't she hate him?

Kris: Oh, she absolutely does. Thinks he is vile, but she wants to get an endorsement deal with Pampers. Plus she owes me a couple bucks, so I told her if she gets pregnant we can sell you the interview and then we can call it even.

Editors: Um, okay.

Kris: These kids need to learn that money doesn't grow on trees.

Editors: How far along is she?

Kris: She just took the test. In fact I am calling you from the bathroom.

Rules for Being Friends With Jennifer Aniston

2011-11-30T11:22:00.000-08:00

National Enquirer Blind Item:

WHICH celebrity friendship – she’s an A-list film star and her BFF is a TV personality – is being severely tested? The small-screen pal seems to have crossed the line of alliance by hiring her crony’s personal hairstylist and yoga instructor, but the last straw was when she reached out to her friend’s famous ex to appear on her show!

Jennifer Aniston/Chelsea Handler

Celebrities have champagne problems. They don't bother with real world issues, like unemployment and health insurance. They worry about skin peels and the best health spas for weight loss fixes. They stay up at night thinking about their red carpet poses and their split ends. So you can imagine what torment they feel when trying to choose friends. Hollywood is not a place where you can easily find your peeps. You have to do a whole lot of sorting out the narcissists from the drug addicts and the social climbers. Then you have to factor in whether your new acquaintance will call the tabloids and sell stories about you. So you always have to watch your back. Just ask Jennifer Aniston. She prefers her old friends. They understand and accept her manic obsession with her body. They don't judge her because she eats little food, exercises two hours a day, and would rather all conversations circle back to how beautiful she looks, how Brad did her wrong, and how 40 is the new 20. Once you are on board with that program you can expect invitations for Cabo beach trips and her annual Christmas tree decorating party. But don't violate certain terms of her friendship. You are not allowed to use any of the skin products she uses including fresh water. You are under no circumstances permitted to call any of her beauty maintenance staff. They are committed to her and her only. How is she supposed to get her hair flat ironed at 4:00 in the morning if you had her stylist up late coloring your hair? Not fair. She needs her yoga instructor to be on call, which is not possible when you have "thrown out your back" and need help walking upright again.

But to ask Brad Pitt to appear on your show is the absolute most horrendous thing you can do, even if it means you are in breech of the new multi-million dollar contract you just signed with your network. Yeah, we get it. You are a talk show host, but you are also a kept friend. Your career needs are not important. What is important is you are on speed dial so you can discuss all day every day the way her hair glistens in the sun, how her wrinkles have somehow disappeared with the use of spring water (and not hormone injections), and how she is the finest actor that has ever walked the Earth.

Jennifer Lopez and Her New Break Dancing Boyfriend

2011-11-28T12:49:00.000-08:00

While you were sitting around your cousin's house chowing down on marshmallow-covered yams and funion covered green beans love was in bloom on the island of Kauai, Hawaii.

Jennifer Lopez, 42, her twins, extended family, and her 24-year-old back-up dancer boyfriend Casper Smart were spotted at a luxury resort. US Weekly reports Lopez was sipping a tropical cocktail and lounging in her bikini in a cabana alongside her break dancing man. “Casper was great with the kids,” a source told Us. During a Thursday outing on the beach, Smart (who’s performed with Lopez onstage numerous times) “was twirling them around and doing flips with Emme and she seemed very comfortable with him.”

Do you think he also taught them how to pop and lock?

Lopez, as you probably remember, just said in a series of interviews that she would refrain from introducing her kids to anyone until she knows the relationship is serious. So it looks like I might need to start thinking about wedding gifts. Where do you think they will register? Capezio?

Listen, I know everyone is concerned that this might not be the best choice for Jenny. She's been married a bunch of times, she doesn't seem capable of staying single for very long, and the guy is an obvious cheese ball. He wears diamond studs, fedoras, and prefers to go shirtless most of the time. He has his barber shave designs into his head. If it were 1994 he would be wearing his clothing backwards.

But I think they could make their love affair into a musical. You know, older lady dates a kid from the streets. That type of story. She teaches him the finer things in life, like demanding white upholstery, vanilla candles, and dim lighting. He in turn can remind her what it was like to ride the subway, dance for spare change, and where to find knock-off red leather jackets. It would be called "Grandma and The Beat" and would start off Broadway and eventually make it to the silver screen.

I really think there is something here for these two, despite what Demi and Ashton have done for all the women over 40 in America hoping to find themselves a dimwitted drop out with a flat abs. She likes dancers. How can you suppress a need to to be with someone who also understands dance? How can he suppress his need for an older lady lover who can pay his past due speeding tickets and rent? These two might really make it!

Kardashian Husband From Hell?

2011-11-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

The dissolution of the Kardashian/Humphries nuptials continues to dominate the tabloids this week. Kris Humphries scored a $150,000 endorsement deal with a watch company. In his press conference he said the company had been there for him during this "very difficult time." Kudos to the ad wizards that came up with this marketing gem. Here is my suggestion for his next venture: a partnership with the candy maker Farley's & Sathers. He can thank them for their support "Now and Later".

Kim's mother and manager Kris has told her she needs to withdraw from the public as the anti-Kardashian fervor continues. This must be torture for Kim, not being able to get photographed. I imagine she is spending this downtime perfecting a new look in the floor length mirrors that cover her home.

Us Weekly's cover story is on how Kris was the 'husband from hell,' with insiders telling the magazine that Humphries could be downright cruel.

- "He belittled her in front of people," said one source.

- "He tried to control Kim by bringing her down ... He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn't last."

- Kris would tell her by the time she had kids no one will care about her anymore.

- Kris couldn't stand the Kardashian family before he started dating Kim. "He would call the Kardashians garbage," his ex-girlfriend Bianka Kamper told In Touch magazine."He would never watch the show with me. He always bad-mouthed it and said it was trashy." Kamper also claimed that Kris would call Kim, "fake" and said the only reason she was famous was for "making a sex tape."

Kris might have a few points here, granted. She doesn't seem to have much talent. Does standing in front of a camera with drag makeup and support hosiery really qualify as a talent? Sort of like obtaining a degree in recreation sciences at University of Phoenix, right? Can't anyone do that? Can fame last for someone whose most interesting characteristic is padded underwear? But he still married her. I am sure the fact that a cash windfall and an inordinate amount of unwarranted press attention had nothing to do with his interest in becoming her groom. Right?

But can we really identify him as a husband from hell when they were only married for 70 days? They didn't even have a chance to experience the holidays together, when judgment, regrets, and deep seeded animosity is truly born. I think they should have at least stuck in out past Christmas and New Years. I would have loved to at least seen the holiday gift exchange, Christmas Eve with her in-laws, and the inevitable New Year's Eve spent at a paid appearance at a Las Vegas nightclub.

Angelina Jolie's Secret Obsessions

2011-11-22T12:04:00.001-08:00

A former assistant to actress Angelina Jolie tells In Touch Weekly that her former boss had some "bizarre obsessions." Not exactly shocking information and clearly a slow day at the tabloid. Aren't we all pretty aware that Jolie doesn't operate with a full deck of cards? "She tries to hide it, but she has a crazy side to her that's beyond just being quirky", claims the source. She tries to hide it?

The magazine's examples:

1. "When Angelina's kids get cuts and scrapes, she saves their discarded bandages in a jar. She thinks she's being edgy and artistic, but to others, she just seems weird."

2. In addition "she locks herself away in the basement everyday and exercises for hours. No one is to bother her during that time."

That's it? She doesn't sleep on a nail bed? She doesn't force you to a knife fight before she serves you appetizers? She doesn't collect the hair from your brush while you are in the shower? She doesn't survive on a diet of beetles, hypodermic needles, and whale sperm?

Locking oneself in your basement to work out? Um, that sounds like a vacation.

I would like to come clean on one of my bizarre obsessions, just in case anyone wants to sell my down the river.

If channel surfing and I come across a shopping channel and it is the Suzanne Somers hour I become transfixed. I have never actually ordered anything, but wonder about the people who do. Are they still happy with their Face Master? How many times have they worn that Sequin Hooded Sweatshirt Duster Jacket they ordered at 2:00 in the morning? Is her crème brulee really all that tasty? Does that bioactive moisturizer really help? Because isn't it fairly obvious she has had a multitude of plastic surgeries? Should you be pushing people to buy Thigh Masters when you just get the fat sucked out at your doctor's office when no one is looking?

I Had a Baby

2011-11-20T21:08:00.000-08:00

I was starting to feel like I was losing my mind. Imagine being told you might go into labor at any moment over a three-week period? Obviously salsa dancing or climbing a rock wall were out. What do you wear in public? Plastic jeggings? Your friends, who already are beginning to find you a buzzkill, are not exactly amped about the idea of sharing a corner booth at a restaurant with someone who will eat the entire contents of the breadbasket and leave little room for you to sit. I was reaching a breaking point, especially after hearing the lady at the grocery mention how a customer just had their water break in the checkout line. I went to my trusty Chinese acupuncturist, who could also have a successful side job as an Army lieutenant for some help with labor progression. Her technique included inserting needles into my toes, lighting a long Chinese herb that looks like a cigar, and then "barbequing the needle." Let's just say it could possibly be used as an alternative to water boarding. (You're welcome, Department of Defense).

But the contractions eventually started and this time (as opposed to the Saturday night before) admittance into the labor and delivery floor was actually warranted.

Game time.

Do you know how my Jack came into this world? In the middle of me watching this week's episode of Saturday Night Live. I am in love.

Just hope his sister will forgive me for really messing up her Christmas.

Ashton Kutcher Love Advice?

2011-11-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

Back in college I used to live catty corner from a 7-11 that the homeless and mentally unstable would frequent (on the corner of 7th and D Street NE). They liked to sit outside on the steps and start conversations with you before and after your Beef Jerky and Funion purchases. Sometimes, if I had enough time on my hands, I would chat. If I was willing to spare a couple Twizzlers or a hot dog they would pay me in the only way they knew how... with advice. "You still single, girl? Maybe you better curl your hair. No man like a girl with strings. You gotta show some cleavage. Wear some sparkly boots. Then you keep a man." Obviously it was hard to take love advice from someone missing a couple teeth that smelled like hot trash.

I can say that it would be equally hard to take any love advice from Ashton Kutcher.

This December, believe it or not, Kutcher graces the cover of men's Health Magazine and offers love advice to their readers. Given most recent developments in his marriage over the last few weeks I am sure we are all wondering if the gang outside 7-11 would have been a better fit.

Best advice that he'd ever gotten, Ashton replied:

“I think it’s all about working on the relationship and making it better … when it’s good. Don’t wait for a problem to work on things. The goal is not to get into a relationship; the goal is to be in a relationship.”

His goal is to be in a relationship? Is that possible when:

1. You have an arrangement with your wife to see other people?

2. You choose to be with young girls willing to sell their stories to tabloids?

3. You would rather push someone to their brink so they can actually break it off versus being an enough to do it yourself?

Maybe the plastic surgery and Human Growth Hormone (HGH) injections were not the answer, after all. Maybe Demi should have just tried getting a perm or wearing some bedazzled jean boots. That’s what the crazies at the 7-11 would probably say… as they chomped on a taquito and smoked some Marlboro Lights.

Kristin Cavallari v. The Kardashians: Round 1

2011-11-17T10:09:00.000-08:00

Life & Style reports in their new issue that Scott Disick, the baby daddy and Stage 5 Clinger of the Kardashian family had an affair with Hills star Kristin Cavallari shortly before impregnating Kourtney. Kristin says this is "100 percent not true," and accused the Kardashians for fanning the flames.

She told Access Hollywood yesterday the following: "I just think, what convenient timing for them with their show premiering next week and with everything that's going on for Kim, I feel like they're trying to take the heat off her… When there's a big story like that, they always call you and ask if you want to comment and clearly none of them denied it, so it's very, it's really disrespectful to me and I'm in a committed relationship. It's disrespectful to me and Jay [Cutler] and I think it just says a lot about their character."

Oh, snap. Is she about to go West Side Story on the Kardashians? Should we expect some sort of knife fight on Sunset Boulevard? No one puts Baby in the corner, ya hear that Kris Jenner?

Do I think Kristin and that creep Scott have hooked up? Um, is the sky blue? Those two kids are always in Vegas. They are what my mom would have referred to as "fast kids." They have probably made out on several of occasions, but don't remember. Do I think he was making out with her while on a break with the cub Kardashian? Maybe not. Regardless I do think the Kardashians are using this an opportunity to push press away from the destruction of Kim's nuptials. There is some sort of petition making the rounds for an end to their show.

You know what is sad? Not that Scott may have carried on a torrid affair with Kristin from The Hills, but the fact that people get worked up enough to sign a petition against the Kardashians and not about something like world hunger.

Messed up, right?

Cameron Diaz Wears Beer Goggles

2011-11-16T11:07:00.001-08:00

US Magazine is reporting that Cameron Diaz and Sean Combs have been spotted all over New York City together. Apparently they first hooked up in 2008 and "when she's single, she'll booty call him," adds another insider. Of course representatives for both stars say Diaz and Combs are "just friends" and were meeting to discuss a possible comedy film project. Because Sean Combs is really a tremendous comedic actor.

Beer Goggles: When an individual is observed making, or later regretting, advances towards a partner who would be deemed unattractive or inappropriate when sober. The "beer goggles" are considered to have distorted the "wearer's" vision, making unattractive people appear beautiful, or at least passably attractive.

This must be the reason. She's been enjoying too many Coronas. Has to be. How else can you explain it? His name is Diddy. He speaks about himself in the third person. He throws parties where you can only wear white. He travels with an entourage. He wears sunglasses when it makes no sense. He wears massive diamond earrings. Would you find that attractive outside of consuming a case of wine coolers or a bottle of tequila?

Doesn't this remind you of college? Don't you miss those days when your girlfriend would introduce you to the guy they are pretty sure will eventually become their husband and father of their kids? You typically would have this conversation while sitting in neighboring bathroom stalls in full squat positions. "Doesn't he have beautiful eyes?" You did notice they are crossed, right? "He has great style, right?" I wasn't aware Members Only still made jackets. "I love the way he smiles at me." You mean with that gray fang? "He really seems into me". Even though he keeps calling you by the wrong name? Then when she can't find him later in the evening you have to break it to her that he is either with another girl or vomiting in the alley.

Still Pregnant.

2011-11-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, guess who is still pregnant? Should I be offended that my son would rather stay lodged in my uterus than come out?

Are you wondering if I am going crazy? That would be a yes.

I miss my old self, the one that wasn’t constantly on the edge of a hormonal breakdown. I also miss eating like a normal person. How many fish tacos can one consume in a week? Do you know how many times I have visited La Salsa in recent weeks? The girl at the register gave me a discount yesterday because she thought I also worked at the mall.

This is to say nothing of what has happened to my body. Currently my hands and feet look like the proud owner of a 95 year-old woman. My right eyeball socket pulses. I’ve got more cracks than the Liberty Bell.

You know what else is sad? Just when my husband is starting to think this whole nightmare will end I will stand before him in a backless hospital gown while dragging an IV around. Romantic, right?

The hands of a 50 year-old pop star.

Gross.

When Your Dad Hates Your Fiancee

2011-11-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

In Touch Weekly reports in their most recent issue that Jessica Simpson's father is having a hard time accepting her fiancée might not only become her husband, but will be the father of her child. Joe, it seems, feels like Eric is a freeloader and using Jessica for his money. A bit ironic considering he makes his own living managing the careers of Jessica and her sister. I mean this is the same guy willing to take photos of her in a string bikini on vacation in sultry positions and sell them to magazines for profit. If it were not for his kids’ careers he would still be a youth pastor in the sticks of Texas. Eric, as you know, used to play football for the NFL. He was going to start an MBA program but withdrew from classes once he met Jessica. Now he is apparently a life coach. So she leans on a glorified youth pastor and an unemployed sycophant to steer her in the right direction, which could explain her affinity for mom jeans.

Although how can you adequately find a spouse who meets up to your parent's expectations, especially if you grow up in a somewhat functional family? (I obviously can not speak from experience. How can I take advice from a man who still refers to my husband as "Don" instead of Dan)?

When my oldest sister brought her boyfriend Patrick over to the house to meet the entire family for the first time she aptly chose Easter Sunday. I was in the fifth grade. All seemed to go well until Patrick backed over our family dog Cookie in the driveway. How was the news brought to my attention? I heard the blood curdling screams of my stepfather, who raised the dog's body above his head and cried out "nooooooooooooooo". Cookie was taken to the emergency vet and died the next morning.

I don't think things were ever the same for Patrick. Although she did end up marrying him there were at least a few years where we were forced to lock our replacement dog in the laundry room during holiday meals. We just couldn't afford another mishap.

Kim Kardashian's Fake Assets

2011-11-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

The Kardashian/Humphries divorce proceedings are a little like the gift that keeps on giving. In the latest installment Kris Humphries has finally accepted the inevitable and chosen a divorce attorney. According to the National Enquirer, Kris has also threatened to expose the truth about Kim's most famous rear end. Apparently he has told his buddies that "it takes a lot of work for Kim to make her bottom look as good as it does,” says a source. “He revealed all her secrets - how she uses ‘booty pads,’ Spanx and other things to enhance it. When she takes off the Spanx, the pads and everything else, it’s not the same." The first source added: “Kim is all about creating illusion. Having Kris spill the beans about how she really maintains her world-famous butt would be devastating to her.”

He apparently has cell phone proof.

See the problem with being an incredibly high maintenance woman is that at some point your husband is going to see you without your drag makeup, and in this case your butt pads too. You can't wear Spanx in the shower. You are going to have to explain why you clip a small animal into the back of your head. What if he turns the lights on in the middle of the night?

How do you explain why you are on a plastic surgeon's Christmas card list?

Childbirth Waiting Game

2011-11-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

I am in the beginning stages of labor, so I can honestly say I have turned into a complete lunatic. How do I know? I sat in the bathroom stall of a restaurant this afternoon and sobbed for five minutes, returned to my seat and ate a small pizza.

To add insult to injury my computer was unable today to send out email messages, which required troubleshooting from my service provider. When I asked my husband, a computer science graduate and the owner of a software company, to help me fix the problem he told me that it was "just not something he wanted to deal with." You know what I don't really want to deal with right now? How about the inability to sleep unless I am sitting in a full and upright position? Maybe knowing that my lady parts will be ripped to shreds in the very near future? Or maybe the constant feeling that my bladder will explode? To say nothing of the back pain that is obviously stifling my ability to do back spins or back handsprings until the child living in my abdomen pushes his way out. But evidently having to speak to a technician for three minutes on the phone was too much for him to bear.

He couldn't understand why I wanted to get my hair blown out this morning. For the next few days I will have to wear a hospital gown. I will be covered in sweat. I might not be able to take a suitable shower if I need to have an IV attached to me. So, yeah, I'd like to have my hair straightened so I don't look like a homeless woman. Besides, would you want to open your eyes to your new world only to find your mother is the proud owner of horse hair?

So think of me while you are sitting there tonight enjoying a glass of wine.

Choosing Your Child's Godparents

2011-11-09T22:34:00.000-08:00

Becoming a parent has plenty of stresses. Your first real responsibility out of the gate (or the womb I should say), for example, is choosing a suitable name that will not lead your child onto a path of depression, lifelong embarrassment, or a career as a pole dancer. Then you have to figure in appropriate toy choices, the right preschool, and a college fund. On top of this there is the whole business of choosing the right godparents.

Traditionally a godparent is informally responsible for ensuring a child's religious education is carried out or for caring for the child should he or she be orphaned. It is a serious job, so it is a wonder my mom chose two people that probably have not seen me since the day I was born. In fairness they could have moved and lost their address book or they filed a restraining order I was not aware of. I considered this when my husband and I had a child of our own. Who could we entrust with our offspring? You shouldn't choose just anyone in the event you need someone to teach your kid about spirituality or if you are in some sort of freak accident. Haven't you seen that Katherine Heigl movie?

We wanted people we admire as parents. We thought it important to choose people who lead inspiring lives and would undoubtedly want to always be apart of her life. So we choose Ashley and Brendan and here is why:

1. They remain happily married.

2. They were already the parents at the time of two boys who just happen to be sweet, smart, and hilarious.

3. He is a Marine and she graduated from the Naval Academy, so they are basically American heroes.

4. They actually attend a church on a regular basis and not because they are forced to do so.

We also thought they should be a couple who shares similar values.

Brendan and Dan love history, are happy having a handful of close friends, and believe most people have good intentions. Ashley and I love award shows, are borderline OCD, and believe you can tell a lot about a person from their karaoke song selection.

They are also the kind of people who spend a good three to four months thinking about outdoing the previous year's Christmas card photo.

This is how they dress up for Halloween:

You know what they bought Mia for her baptism gift? An engraved silver jewelry box that plays "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5 when opened.

That to me was enough.

Victoria Secret Model Starves Herself For Show

2011-11-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

Right now I look like a swollen walrus. I walked past my reflection last night and I am pretty sure the window cracked. My clothing options are limited to trash bags, camping tarps, and car covers. The last thing I can wrap my brain around is wearing a bathing suit or a pair of lacy underwear. You know what is in my immediate future? I will have to wear a pair of mesh granny pants to preserve my lady parts after pushing a watermelon out of them. It is part of the Hoag Hospital line of intimate apparel.

So imagine what an enormous moral booster it must have been to read an interview with Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima where she discussed her pre-runway show exercise and diet regimen. Lima, as you may already know, is known for her premiere position as one of the lead models in the store's annual fashion show, which airs on national television.

Lima says she starts working out every day with a personal trainer beginning in August. In September she ramps it up to twice a day. During this time she drinks protein shakes, vitamins and supplements to keep her "strong". She also drinks a gallon of water a day. Then for the nine days pre-show she will drink only protein shakes (with powdered egg white). The last two days before the show she will cut down on her water and then twelve hours before the show she will stop drinking all liquids entirely.

So she goes without solid foods for almost two weeks so she can wear bedazzled thongs and pasties on television and remind your husband of the time before you were married, when your metabolism still sort of worked.

Really, lady? Must be tough for you with your 1% body fat. How about figuring out how you are going to get the extra skin that stretched to accommodate your fetus back to your rib bones? Ever had to tuck in flab underneath your belt buckle? Ever once thought about how to fold your sunken chest into a push up bra?

Didn't think so.

Welcome to my world, lady.

Middle Child Syndrome in the Duggar Family

2011-11-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

Ever heard of middle child syndrome? Middle children often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention from parents and others because they feel many times they are being ignored. This, I believe, could be part of the reason I have never had any issues with public speaking or performing the worm at a wedding. The reason I can do high kicks and jazz hands while singing Lionel Richie in front of strangers? My family forgot I existed from 1983-1989.

So can you imagine being child number 9 in the Duggar family? They are the family with that show on TLC that wears prairie skirts and sports long permed hair. They somehow rope all the kids into taking care of their own siblings while taking the audience for exiting adventures. Because there is nothing more interesting than watching girls born into a repressive society learn how to churn butter while wearing ankle length jean skirts. Why pay for childcare when you can ask your 5 year old to give your newborn a bath? They also name all their kids with names beginning in J, even if it makes absolutely no sense. Did you know anyone named Jinger?

Joy-Anna (child number 9) can't be that excited about news that baby number 20 will be joining the family next year. When was the last time she had more than a five-minute conversation with her parents? Do you think they have any recollection of the day she was born? Can they remember her birthday easily? Could they easily identify her in a line up?

Something to think about if they want to try for another baby before she hits menopause.

Kim Kardashian's Plan to Win Back the Public

2011-11-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

Don't you just hate it when things don't exactly go your way? For example, I had to learn the hard way that I should never pluck my own eyebrows, cut my own bangs, or put together IKEA furniture. So imagine how Kim Kardashian must feel about her grand plans for wedding related media coverage. She had built the day up to compete with the Royal wedding. She had anticipated months of post-nuptial commentary. She led the press to believe she was ready to get preggo. But a few things messed up her plans, didn't they?

1. Her groom was not willing to go along with her self-centered plans.

2. His family made it pretty clear she was a nightmare.

3. The general public actually found her nuptials sort of cheesy. Only someone completely self obsessed would drip their ceremony with their own initials.

So once she had some alone time with the groom and realized things were going south pretty quickly she filed for divorce. She was again surprised at the public's lack of support. You mean people don't identify with a reality star who wears three wedding gowns, diamond headpieces, and invites more reporters than family to her own wedding?

So her mother (and manager) tried to throw her a bone. She claimed she didn't make that much money off the wedding despite reports. But take into account, for example, the fact that she made 30% off all revenue from commercials aired during her wedding special. Did I mention it ran in over 50 countries?

What about that ridiculous engagement ring? You don't have to give back something you bought the year before you even met your groom, do you? Those wedding gifts they received? She wanted to keep all those Hermes place settings. Maybe she's thinking of inviting the staff over at People Magazine over for a holiday party?

So she is feeling the stress. She actually allowed herself to be photographed without her normal four layers of pancake foundation. She flew commercial on a red eye to Minnesota. She reportedly even brought her own pillow (which just happens to be sprayed with her own perfume and dusted with flakes of gold). For what reason? She wants us all to believe that she is trying to bring some sort of closure to the fiasco she created. Maybe spend a couple hours with the pastor that married you? Maybe conference with the guy you were willing to marry in a legal ceremony? Might have been helpful to do all these things before the 72-day marriage ceased.

But the divorce will continue.

Next plan of attack? A heart felt interview for People Magazine about the big mistake she made. She will wear pink. She will promise herself a period of self-reflection. This will culminate in a special to be aired on the E! Network. Perhaps release a love ballad on iTunes and then ask the public for their support in her pursuit to find a sperm donor for a child she plans on naming after herself. I can see it all coming together.

Bradley Cooper's Mom is Not a Fan of J. Lo

2011-11-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed the weird dynamic between sons and their mothers? I once dated a guy whose mother would say to him on a fairly regularly basis that she wished she could meet a man like him. That's right... She would have loved to make-out with a guy who reminded her of her son. Sick stuff. Is this any indication of the reason things did not work out between us? It seems like most mothers have a hard time accepting any woman is a suitable match for their offspring and few men can admit their mother is anything less than a stellar parent. You can not win. Some umbilical cords are harder to cut than others.

In Touch Weekly reports in this week's issue that Bradley's mom Gloria is not a fan of Jenny from the Block. “She thinks Jennifer is too much of a diva for her son,” a friend tells In Touch. “Plus, she’s not even divorced from Marc Anthony yet, so she’s asked Bradley to cool it.”

But I will say that if they are dating (which I obviously don't believe) I think in this case she might have some valid concerns. I can imagine it would be hard for anyone to be involved with Jennifer Lopez, because dating her would require you to take a back seat to her makeup and hair team. Take the holidays, for example. Gloria makes a lovely Thanksgiving dinner, but needs to make sure her place settings don't clash with Jennifer's eye shadow. Thinking about a family vacation to Georgia? Her facialist Alessandra says it is not good for her pores. Thinking about a lazy Sunday by the pool? Her hair stylist Oribe thinks the chlorine will dry out her root and offset her new caramel colored highlights.

Would you want to deal with that?

Stage Parents: The Kate Gosselin Chapter Begins

2011-11-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

One of the strange things about living in Orange County, California is how much parents here talk about getting their children into acting or modeling. (I am sure you have witnessed a bit of this on the Real Houseladies of the OC). It is actually pretty normal to hear someone talk about taking their kids to auditions and photo shoots in Los Angeles in the same way someone in your town would talk about taking your kid to t-ball practice. Really, I wonder? Are we both going to pretend that your bratty child with the lazy eye should be in Gap ads? I tend to worry about my child learning her ABCs, not whether I can find the right photographer for her headshots. Plus, have you met any child actors? As my friend Judi would say, they all seem a bit "delayed". 9 year olds should be talking about sports and school, not switching managers and getting highlights. I have also heard about more than a few families that were forced to downsize their homes because their kids were not working as much. Listen, if you are having financial problems because your 7 year-old is out of work you need to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself where it all went wrong.

Last week I read a National Enquirer report that Kate Gosselin plans to enroll her eight kids in singing and acting classes, and then, after they sharpen their talents, move them to Los Angeles.

“Kate’s ultimate goal is to get her kids into the entertainment business and manage their careers,” an insider told The Enquirer. “She’s looking into acting, singing and dancing classes near the family’s home in Pennsylvania. She wants to get the kids started in commercials by next year…”

Now I am from Pennsylvania and went to boarding school not far from the Gosselin compound. I think it is safe to say that the area is not well known for acting and modeling schools unless you are in the market for moo-moos, heavy metal band t-shirts, and pleated khaki pants. I am fairly certain there is no Hersheypark Acting Academy. Would you attend an acting or modeling school where the alumni include someone who was in the background of a J.C. Penney ad?

Haven't these kids suffered enough? Can't we all just let them go through puberty in privacy?

Is she that desperate to maintain some sort of connection to Hollywood that she will uproot her kids and force them into acting jobs so they can afford her the opportunity to be in the tabloids? Are we sure some of those kids are even interested in being in a show on Nickelodeon? Is it really good for one's self esteem to be a 9 year old introverted kid forced to play an extra in a made for TV movie? Some kids just like to play with trains in the basement. Are these kids going to be on some sort of Partridge Family style show? I am no talent scout, but it seems like at least one or two of her kids would rather be emancipated than wear sequin shorts and perform a dance number in front of a live audience.

I read today that Kate has scored herself a job as a coupon blogger. I am sure it is not exactly what she had in mind for a career in the spotlight, but maybe she gets some sweet discounts at nail salons.

Kardashian Divorce Update

2011-11-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

We have all made mistakes that is for sure. You should have seen the year I wore pale blue eye shadow to school. I can write pages about the times I let a hairdresser cut my hair short and that is to say nothing of my own first marriage that I have always partly blamed on watching too many of TLC's A Wedding Story mini marathons. But that was when I was 22 years old, fresh faced out of college and looking for any way to escape my own crummy childhood for an adult life. Can you say the same when you are 31 years old and you spend $10 million on nuptials that guarantee you another few weeks of publicity?

At some point shouldn't you take a little time to think about getting some treatment for your extreme need for attention?

Clearly this week so far has been devoted to coverage of the Kardashian divorce. So since you have better things to do I thought I would capture the most recent developments for your pleasure.

Kim Married "For Love"

Kim put out a statement yesterday declaring she had in fact married for love, and not for the reported mountain of endorsements and magazine covers it guaranteed. She also claimed she made nothing off the wedding, which seems laughable given the amount she garnered for exclusive magazine photos and television rights. You don't think she actually forked over her own money for those horrendous bedazzled bridesmaid clutches, do you? Only a narcissist would say that giving your wedding party crystal bags with your monogram (and not theirs) would be a "collector's item".

It must be hard for Kim to find someone she can love even a fraction of the way she loves herself. Wouldn't marrying someone mean she would have to replace all of the black and white pictures she has of herself hanging on the walls of her home with someone else's photo?

Kris Wanted to Be Famous

Kim was apparently infuriated to learn that Kris had hired his own Hollywood publicist last week presumably to handle his growing list of appearance requests. He was, for example, slated to make an appearance at a club in Las Vegas next week. What kind of person books thousand dollar appearances at nightclubs in Sin City just to make easy money and get their picture taken? Oh, that's right.... Kim Kardashian. She was also up in arms about his recent interest in "branding" the Kris Humphries name with cologne. Again, who would buy a Kim Kardashian or Kris Humphries cologne? Does no one wear Designer's Imposters anymore? Where would one be able to find a Kardashian or Humphries cologne? Wedged between the Antonio Banderas and Debbie Gibson collection?

Plus, what would Kris Humphries cologne smell like? Minnesota tree sap or gym sweat?

Kris' Family Hated Her

Kris says his family supported the marriage and hopes the couple can work things out. TMZ, however, reports Kim is telling her friends how ridiculous it is that Kris’ family is making Kris look like the victim." She says the reality is they constantly "belittled" her and were "nasty" to her. In fact she says Kris' family is actually partly to blame for the failure of the marriage.

So are we to overlook the fact that your family produced a television show about your nuptials and took every opportunity on air to voice their dissatisfaction with your choice in groom? They were supportive?

The Wedding Gift Debacle

Despite asking for thousand dollar vases and flatware on her absurd wedding registries Kim is not returning the gifts. She is instead allegedly making a $200,000 donation to a charity of choice.

Sources close to Kim say the gifts were given out of love and she doesn't feel an obligation to return them to the sender, though understands her marriage was short, and decided the donation was a good compromise.

Here is my question... how pissed is the person that bought this $7,850 vase?

Halloween Costumes When You Are Very Pregnant

2011-11-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

Halloween costume options can be limited when you have a massive basketball waiting to drop from your lady parts. It's not easy finding clothing options when you are 9.5 months preggo. I wear pants with drawstrings and elastic bands. Is there anything more attractive than a woman who can not physically button her pants?

So I dressed up as a woman in labor. Because in the event that I did have to go to the hospital during trick or treating hours I didn't want to have to explain why I am wearing glitter or a wig to welcome my child into the world.

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce

2011-10-31T12:07:00.000-07:00

After a whirlwind 72 days of marriage the Kardashian/Humphries marriage has come to an end. I suppose this is a good thing because in most cases when a marriage ends so quickly the couple is good about sending back the wedding gifts. So I am hoping I get back my potato peeler.

What could have gone wrong between these two? Here are some guesses from some of America's most important news sources:

#1. TMZ claims that the fight that led to divorce was about Kris Humphries wanting to move back to Minnesota. TMZ claims, “We’re told Kris was passionate about eventually settling down in Minnesota, where he’s from … and believed Kim was on board with the plan. She wasn’t. Sources tell us Kim — who’s from L.A. — wants to stay near her family … and she also feels that staying in town is the best thing for her career.”

Wasn't he paying attention before he took his vows? Does she seem like the kind of girl who would be happy settling down in St. Cloud? Could she be happy shopping at strip malls or having to buy her jeggings at a Wet Seel? This girl needs a home with its own salon chairs. She can't leave home without a squad attending to her every beauty need. Could you ever imagine her sitting in a fold up chair by the river throwing back some of Milwaukee's Best while her kids Kazoo, K-Run, and Kung Pow log roll?

#2. Us Weekly says that Kris “isn’t drinking the Kardashian Kool-Aid” and it was causing major problems because he wouldn’t just fall in line. Also, he’s bored and doing nothing because of the lockout, and it was driving Kim crazy.

My stepfather used to tell my sister that while her involvement in professional marching bands seemed like a fun hobby, that in fact "flag waving doesn't pay bills". What is this guy supposed to do when he doesn't have a basketball career to fall back on? Does he have any other skills? Maybe she should have thought more about that and less about what diamond headpiece from wear from the Elizabeth Taylor collection on her wedding day.

#3. People Magazine points out that Kim and Kris were living in NYC with her sister Kourtney, Scott and their son in a shared space. Kim told People that the living situation was “not ideal” for newlyweds.

You know what else is not ideal for newlyweds? Having camera crews up in your biz. Wouldn't you just want to walk around without a bra once in awhile? Who wants to sleep in makeup? Would you want to share your love quarters with your in-laws? Do you have a discussion early on who gets what shelf in the refrigerator? What if someone is already using the washing machine when you just need to put your stretch pants through a cold cycle?

I suppose it is a good thing that she bought her own ring. I am sure she can fasten it to a chain or an ankle bracelet. You know, get as much as wear out of it as possible.

This Could Have Been a Kardashian Husband

2011-10-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

Here again is the problem with letting your entertainment career dictate major decisions in your life: you make poor choices.

Here is another case in point. As you know, after watching the entire Kardashian wedding bonanza while sweating out bowls of arabiatta sauce on the elliptical it became pretty clear to me (and the rest of the world) that the marriage was not meant to last. It's a sad notion given the amount of money that was put into one wedding. You could have outfitted an entire Duggar and Sister Wives clan in pioneer dresses and potato picking suits with just a fraction of that dough. But the bride clearly just wanted to have a wedding and the groom just wanted to be quasi famous. It is not like there was any real consideration on either of their parts into whether they had anything in common or really liked to be around each other without the constant presence of a camera crew.

New York Post's Page Six today reports a source from Wetpaint Entertainment claims last fall, a representative of the E! Network approached the New York Knicks to find out if Danilo Gallinari, an Italian player who was then a forward on the team, would be interested in dating Kim. Their sources said, both E! and Kim were interested in having her date a big New York athlete for the debut season of Kourtney & Kim Take New York, and the Knicks were their first choice. Gallinari (who is 8 years younger) was told that such a move would be good for his career and that he would garner lots of media exposure. Gallinari declined, saying he would be happy to meet Kim but wasn't interested in dating or being a reality-show star. E! had “no comment” when the Post called to confirm.

Obviously the groom was given the same opportunity. Can we blame the guy? What would he be doing if it were not for the opportunity to play a husband to a reality star? Wouldn't he just go back to Minnesota? Would you rather live in a Penthouse in New York City, get boxes of free clothes and watches, get invitations to events, and get easy endorsement deals or sit by your phone at your lake house in the freezing cold and whittle wood? Because that was his future.

The man that could have been.

Hilary Swank Regrets Pocketing $1.5 Million for Event With Chechen Leader

2011-10-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

Hilary Swank has apologized for attending an event this month with Ramzan Kadyrov, the Chechen leader who is accused of murder, torture and abductions by human rights groups. The appearance netted her a $1.5 million paycheck.

According to RadarOnline the Academy Award winner attended the opening of a residential and commercial complex in Grozny City on October 5, and according to her rep she decided to attend the opening “because the construction project was described to her as a symbol of hope for the people of Chechnya, a region that had been devastated by war. Specifically, she was advised that the project was instrumental in the creation of jobs and other opportunities for the people of Chechnya.”

Hilary says that she was unaware of the allegations made by human rights groups about the Chechen president’s alleged atrocities. But the Human Rights Foundation said they sent Swank a letter in September detailing Kadyrov’s past crimes trying to dissuade her from attending the event, but never received a response.

Maybe she switched over to a P.O. Box?

“I deeply regret attending this event, which has thrown into question my long and deeply-held commitment to the protection of human rights,” Swank said in a statement to RadarOnline.com. “I would never intentionally do anything that raised doubts about such commitment. I will continue to donate my time and my financial resources not only to the charities with which I am currently affiliated, but also those dedicated to the preservation of human rights.”

Here is the thing, who gets invitations to attend events in Chechnya? Is that on anyone's radar screen? Gee, I have been meaning to get some R&R in the French countryside, but this invitation to attend a reception in a war torn country is just too enticing. Why swill white wine and nosh on petit fours and baguettes when you can stay in a bullet-ridden hotel along an armed highway and eat sheep's eyeballs?

Chechnya is on the "Worst of the Worst" list of most repressive societies in the world. You know who else is on that list? Burma, North Korea, and China's Tibet.

But I suppose when you are in between pictures and you need some easy cash that a cool $1.5 million seems doable. Why do some research on the country you are visiting, the participants, or the strange fact that an excessively poor country can fork over plenty of dough so you (an actress) can attend and wish them well? Who has time for that? Cha-ching is more important, I guess.

Why would you fly across the world? Cha-ching, my friends.

Can you imagine all the invitations these celebrities must get? Couple that with their extreme narcissism and disinterest in what is going on in the world. Please attend this brothel opening in Venezuela. The guest speaker is a fellow named Hugo Chavez. An easy $750,000 for you if you are willing to wear a "Communism is Awesome" t-shirt. Do you know how many of them probably think communism is what happens when a community has a bake sale? Seriously.

Real Reason Dina Cut off Caroline?

2011-10-25T20:30:00.001-07:00

Now this makes sense.

Will Teresa make Project Ladybug her charity of choice on Celebrity Apprentice? Could this be the reason Dina is willing to cut off Caroline?

BLIND GOSSIP

October 24, 2011

A couple of cast members from this television show who have moved on to additional (Person 1) or new (Person 2) projects are still unexpectedly close. This closeness comes at the price of alienating a family member (Person 3). What would make someone choose friendship over family? Two words: money and publicity. Person 1 is going to engage in a competition which could raise a lot money for a charity, as well as expose that charity to a larger audience. Person 2 hopes that their favorite charity will be the benefactor of that windfall of money and exposure. So, Person 2 keeps inviting Person 1 to events and photo ops, and sides with Person 1 in all matters in the hopes that their charity will benefit. We predict that this superficial friendship will end as soon as the charity goals have been fulfilled.

"Real Housewives of New Jersey"

Person 1: Theresa Guidice

Person 2: Dina Manzo

Person 3: Caroline Manzo

My Dad Might Have Had Another Child

2011-10-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

My dad and I don't talk all that much. I tend to get kind of busy between work, family, friends, my ping-pong game, and my reality television commitments. Sometimes I feel bad about it, especially when he writes me letters and leaves me long-winded voice messages. But then I remember how he ignored me for the last 30 years. Plus, we don't have all that much in common. For example, I live on Planet Earth while he lives in an alternate universe. I think it is important to raise your children. He traveled to France the year I was born to study wine. You know, that kind of stuff.

This weekend I received a letter from him out of the blue. (Because he has yet to accept the rest of the world uses email as a more timely use of communication). There I was reading his note next to my trashcans when I came across the most peculiar line:

"Mia has a cousin in Collegeville that is around her age. Maize is about 5 years old, which is of course older than Mia but as they would say almost in the ballpark."

And then he went into how the change of season has made him curb his outdoor swimming activities.

As I stood there wafting the sweet smell of dirty diapers and empty Corona bottles I wondered if this meant he has some other child floating around. The last thing I need to add to my plate is another background investigation on a relative. I had just gotten a grasp on this year's Christmas list.

But then again he is the kind of person who lumps all relatives (even distant) into immediate family. So the parent of this "cousin" could likely be someone he met at a bowling alley 25 years ago. Plus, who names their child after corn?

I guess I could call him and confirm this information, but I don't really have the energy. Our conversation would probably turn from illegitimate children to his involvement in the Irish peace process or his love for smoked salmon. And I already have enough on my plate. I could go into labor any day now and I have yet to watch any of this season's Sister Wives episodes. I am sure you understand.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Recap: Teresa's Living on Another Planet

2011-10-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

Sadly the last hour of the Real Houseladies of New Jersey reunion show aired last night. It was a confusing two hours filled with insinuations and unknown back story, which is the result of the cast currently filming season 4. It is sort of like recapping sophomore year when you have a pile of anger and resentment well into junior year. Didn't you want to know why Caroline wanted to rip out Teresa's flat-ironed hair? Seemed like there was a little more to the story than Teresa convinced her sister Dina to hate her, no?

From what I understand Teresa set up Melissa at the most recent Posche fashion show in an attempt to humiliate her in front of her former boss, who happens to operate a ladies establishment off the Jersey turnpike. Missy was just a bartender in those days, but Teresa wanted to create the impression that she was in fact a dancer of sorts. This made Jacqueline go off the rails. Her twitter breakdown and unwillingness to participate in a reunion show made it sound like she was disappointed in Teresa's manipulative motives, but I am wondering if it made her worry about something in her own past coming out. There has been talk that she was more than a makeup artist while she lived in Las Vegas, but no one really knows for sure. Her reaction to the Posche fashion prance showdown and Melissa's alleged former employment seems like the kind of reaction one would have when they accuse someone of cheating when they are in fact the cheater. It is a little over the top, no? Or perhaps she has had it up to her botoxed forehead dealing with Teresa? That is possible.

Let's all acknowledge what has become painfully obvious. Teresa believes she is a major celebrity. Since she sells stories about her own life to Life & Style and appears on their covers from time to time she is under the impression that she is very famous. Can you imagine her having a conversation with Angelina Jolie about the plight of tabloid invasion? Her recent addition to Celebrity Apprentice only adds to her delusions of grandeur. While I am sure that Lil Wayne and Meatloaf are wonderful people, they are not exactly A-list celebrities. Celebrity Apprentice is for people who need a jolt to their career, not start one. Plus the whole show's premise is to raise major cash for charities. You have to know rich people to win challenges. Do you think Teresa has friends with major cash? Are we even sure she has friends? Hasn’t she sort of burned every bridge? Also. should someone with $11 million worth of debt lead a challenge for a corporation on national television? She also is apparently trying to get her own cooking show. Maybe they have a channel for jails?

Anyway, the whole show sort of highlighted that she is highly uneducated, is incapable of ever admitting she has been wrong, and is painfully jealous of others (most notably her sister-in-law).

Let's break down what is obvious:

Her husband obviously cheats on her.

She has virtually no understanding of the legal issues she continues to face as a result of overspending and basically living under a rock.

Her kids will probably thrive in therapy.

She loves to spray tan.

I know that some have suggested that Andy Cohen came down a little too hard on Teresa, but didn't she deserve to sit in the hot seat? Some of the questions I would still like to know:

- Does Teresa keep her parent's looked in her basement?

- How can Joe Guidice give advice to other family members when he is facing time in prison and probably doesn't have a business license?

- Can Melissa and Joe adopt Gia?

Lindsay's Mom Pushing Tell-All While Beyonce's Father Wants Her to Fake Pregnancy

2011-10-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

This has not been a good week for celebrities who employ their parents as managers. Representing your child in all their entertainment business matters is just not a good idea, specifically when you see their career as an opportunity for you to live out your childhood dreams. A red flag would be having your parent insist they walk the red carpet with you or they suddenly start using your name to get themselves dinner reservations or Botox appointments.

Dina Lohan, the uber tanned and extensioned "parent" of Lindsay Lohan has apparently been shopping a book proposal that will essentially be a tell-all. Seems strange writing a tell-all when you are waist deep in your own daughter's massive drug and alcohol abuse issues. You know why she won't send her tooth-decaying daughter to a rehab facility? She thinks it is beneath her. She would rather she stay out in the public eye so she can score herself access to nightclubs and get photographer for the celebrity weeklies. This is a woman with priorities.

TMZ obtained the draft of a prologue for Dina's memoir. In it she writes: "I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay's way of daily living--and it tore me up inside."

It tore her up so much she spent weeks at Butter in New York City dancing on tables and enjoying bottle service so she could dance away her blues.

Why did she allow her daughter to move to Hollywood at a young age to become a star? "How could I deny my daughter the chance of a lifetime? How could I hold Lindsay back from her dream of becoming an actress? So, I listened to others and sent my daughter to Hollywood with a few pieces of luggage and a chaperone."

But she was the chaperone. She packed up her Caboodle and promised Lindsay that one day she would see her ~~mom's~~ her name in stars.

In other news Alexsandra Wright, the mother of Matthew Knowles secret love child, gave an interview to Star Magazine about his bizarre plan to have Beyonce raise their love child as her own.

“My first thought when he asked me if I would give up our child to Beyonce and Jay-Z was, ‘Are you out of your mind?’” says Alex, who delivered son Nixon Alexander Knowles Wright on Feb. 4, 2010; well after the 18-month affair had ended. “Nothing in the world, no amount of money, would make me give up my child. You can’t buy my child from me! “Maybe Mathew thought money could buy anything,” adds Alex, who says she recorded her conversation with Mathew. “I don’t know why he suggested it…

Imagine if you will that you are a 30-year-old superstar with your own dreams of having a family with your equally famous husband. But your father, who deprived of you of a normal childhood so that you could make him a multi millionaire, wants you to pretend that the baby his mistress is about to deliver is yours. Maybe you could name the baby after him too?

And you thought your parents were bad.

Now I understand this only bolsters theory about whether or not Beyonce is really pregnant. Didn't you see that picture of her in a bathing suit in Europe a few weeks ago? She has something rocking in that womb. Not that this has not been done before, faking a pregnancy that is. Believe me that has been done before.

Jessica Simpson's Dad Nets Deal for Pregnancy Announcement

2011-10-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Most people would probably agree that it is generally a bad idea going into business with your family. So you can imagine how perplexing it could be to have your own father manage your career in the entertainment business, especially when part of your living is made sauntering in short gowns and singing breathy love ballads. Jessica Simpson's father is her manager. Wouldn't you want some sort of break? Can't we just see each other on major holidays? While I realize she makes quite a living for herself, can't we agree that she might be better suited having someone whose former job description wasn't a youth pastor? She should be making deals with international department stores. He can make deals with Jesus.

It has become pretty obvious in the last few weeks that Jessica is preggo. All of a sudden her wedding plans were put on hold and she is defensively dressing. But she has apparently withheld a formal announcement because her father has been shopping an announcement to the celebrity weeklies to announce the news and sell the eventual baby photos. These things work in packages, you know. If you are pregnant you sell the announcement, shower pictures, and the infant's first photos. How much did she sell the announcement for? New York Post's Page Six today reports she netted $500,000 for a deal with OK! Magazine. Last night the magazine posted their cover story, “Yes, I’m Having A Baby.”

(I am trying to imagine what it would have been like if my father would have managed my non-existent career as a child star. I would have begged for a job on Kid's Incorporated, but the highlight of my career would have been playing a kid in one of America's Most Wanted low-budget reenactments of crimes).

I am thinking her dad could have negotiated a higher rate if he planned this out a little better. How much more could she have scored had she been willing to throw in a few photos of the positive pregnancy test? Why not invite photographers to the first pelvic ultrasound? Surely you could get another $20,000, right?